Patriot Realm

Budgies Down: Canberra’s High-Vis Hopeless Crash in Dusty Gulch

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Written by: Op-Ed Ratty News
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Canberra's finest fall from grace... and altitude

They came, they posed, they plummeted. In what was billed as a whirlwind outback charm offensive, Prime Minister Albanese, Climate Minister Chris Bowen, and Foreign Minister Penny Wong descended... quite literally... on Dusty Gulch for a photo-op tour that turned into a full-blown bush baptism.

Dressed in high-vis vests and sporting expressions of city-bred optimism, the trio’s visit quickly unravelled into a cautionary tale of political parachuting gone wrong, airborne budgies, CWA sabotage, and old fashioned bush justice. As Ratty Airways circled low and Roderick (Whiskers) McNibble reported live, the stage was set for a landing so unforgettable it may be commemorated in marmalade for years to come.

It was supposed to be a triumphant outback photo op for Queensland Day. Instead, it turned into a comedy of altitude and attitude -  with the Prime Minister, the Climate Minister and the Foreign Minister all taking a dive, quite literally, into the heart of Dusty Gulch.

Read more: Budgies Down: Canberra’s High-Vis Hopeless Crash in Dusty Gulch

Government Protecting and Serving You - Yeah Right!

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Written by: Op-Ed Monty
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Anarchy often gets a bad rap. Images of burning buildings, rampant lawlessness, and a general sense of "uh-oh" tend to dominate the narrative.

But let’s put down our pitchforks and Molotov cocktails for a moment and consider the potential upsides of anarchy. 

After all, every cloud has its silver lining, and every chaotic free-for-all has its perks. Just imagine? No more bureaucratic red tape. 

Ah, bureaucracy,  the bane of modern existence. Forms in triplicate, waiting lines longer than a Tolkien novel, and rules so convoluted that they make calculus look like finger painting. But in anarchy, guess what? No more red tape! Want to build a treehouse without a permit? Go right ahead. Feel like setting up a lemonade stand without a business license? Be my guest. The world is your oyster – shuck it however you please.

Just imagine a world ruled by Anarchy........ and compare it with a world ruled by modern government.

Read more: Government Protecting and Serving You - Yeah Right!

The Barrister of Cane: Samuel Griffith, Sugar, and the Racial Architecture of a Nation

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Written by: Op-Ed Monty
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Part 2 of the Cane Series

I’ll admit, before diving into this series, I hadn’t given much thought to how the sugar industry shaped our Constitution. Like many Australians, I knew the name Sir Samuel Griffith from schoolbooks, maybe from a university crest or a street sign..but not much more. Yet, as I followed cane’s tangled path through Queensland’s past, it led me to a moment in time when sugar, race, labour, and law collided. And at the heart of it stood Griffith: barrister, Premier, and constitutional architect.

What struck me wasn’t just what he said, but why he said it....and what he hoped Australia might become.

On 31 March 1891, during the charged debates that would shape the nation's Constitution, Griffith rose to speak on a subject that had long troubled him.... the importation of black labour into Queensland's cane fields. He warned:

“...the introduction of an alien race in considerable numbers into any part of the Commonwealth is a danger to the whole of the Commonwealth... upon that matter the Commonwealth should speak, and the Commonwealth alone.”

It was a defining moment. Not just in law, but in the struggle to decide what kind of country this fledgling Australia would be.

Read more: The Barrister of Cane: Samuel Griffith, Sugar, and the Racial Architecture of a Nation

Counting the Uncountable: What the Census No Longer Wants to Know

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Written by: Op-Ed Monty
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Counting the Uncountable: What the Census No Longer Wants to Know – And Why That Should Worry Us

“In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world.”
-  Gospel of Luke 2:1

The story of Jesus begins with a government form. Joseph and Mary weren’t in Bethlehem for a family reunion. They were there because Rome was counting heads... and wallets. The census was the long arm of the state reaching into the lives of ordinary people, disrupting them not with swords, but scrolls.

And here we are, two thousand years later, still filling out forms. The methods have changed....no donkeys or dusty scrolls, just tablets and touchscreen drop-downs.....but the intent remains eerily similar. Governments count us not to understand us, but to calculate us.

Read more: Counting the Uncountable: What the Census No Longer Wants to Know

Bowen Bays for Blood - PLEASE! Let the Bullshit END

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Written by: Op-Ed Shaydee Lane
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There is no climate crisis Chris Bowen. There is a crisis in stupidity and lack of critical thinking. Let the cattle graze in National Parks; let the landowners manage the land they love and stop worshipping at the altar of cultist indoctrination.

You worshipped a 16 year old girl from Sweden who has never stepped foot in Australia and you worshipped a man who does voice overs for greenie shows about the “ climate crisis “ – both of whom know about as much about the Aussie bush and the Aussie Spirit as Malcolm Turnbull knows about Loyalty.

You and your party ignore FACTS. Over and over again, you recite the mantra something that I thought died out when mental health care came in – “ The End of the World is Nigh “ spouted by a bedraggled homeless man who stood on a soap box or street corner, waving a placard and preaching his sermons of lunacy.

Read more: Bowen Bays for Blood - PLEASE! Let the Bullshit END

From Cane Fields to Controversy: The Rise and Fall of the Machete

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Written by: Op-Ed Shaydee Lane
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They say Australia rode in on the sheep’s back.

But if you’d been standing in the cane fields of north Queensland, sweat in your eyes and the hum of harvesters in your ears, you might’ve thought otherwise. While the outback echoed with the bleat of wool and the click of shears, another Australia was rising... sweet, smoky, and sharp-edged. This one rode not on the back of a sheep, but on the swing of a machete.

The machete: tool of the land - now the weapon of headlines and a handy distraction from what’s really going on.

Our country, which owes so much to the machete, is about to ban them. So it got me thinking about sugar... its history and its contribution, good and bad, to our great nation of Australia.

Read more: From Cane Fields to Controversy: The Rise and Fall of the Machete

Our Dreamtime: Why Old Stories Still Matter

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Written by: Op-Ed Shaydee Lane
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Before the Cloud, before memory sticks and streaming services, we passed stories the old-fashioned way.

Around kitchen tables. On verandahs. By the campfire.

One voice, one story, and a few wide-eyed kids leaning in. That’s how memories lived. That’s how history stayed alive -  not written in textbooks, but woven into families.

Here, in this little online corner we call home - part pub, part postcard, part old bush telegraph -  we still hear those voices. The ones who say “I remember when…” and really do.

Before The Voice became a political battleground, we had a voice too. It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t polished, but it was ours. It was Australian. And it mattered.

Read more: Our Dreamtime: Why Old Stories Still Matter

Flysa’s Time Machine: From Slide Rules to the Cloud

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Written by: Op-Ed Flysa
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Long before the Cloud swallowed everything, our old mate Flysa was out there with a slide rule in one hand and a legal brief in the other -  calculating bridge loads by trigonometry and skewering courtroom opponents for sport. In his now-infamous style, he takes an unvarnished tour through the ruins of common sense.

This retired engineer and barrister takes a swing at modernity, remembers when men were men (and knew how to use a dumpy level), and wonders how we ever landed on the moon without Windows 95.

It’s history, it’s true, and it’s Flysa .... sharp as ever, whether behind a theodolite or a cross-examination.

So pour yourself a cuppa, settle in, and enjoy his reflections on the days before computers changed our lives. Monty

Read more: Flysa’s Time Machine: From Slide Rules to the Cloud

A New Hope… or a Phantom Menace? What Star Wars Taught Us About AI

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Written by: Op-Ed Monty
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“A Long Time Ago...” Still Echoes Now

On May 25, 1977, a strange little film with a golden robot, a grumpy trash can, and a farm boy from Tatooine lit up cinema screens -  and rewired our imaginations. Nearly five decades later, Star Wars remains more than a sci-fi epic.

It’s a prophetic glimpse into our algorithm-driven world, where machines talk back, surveillance looms, and rebels still dare to hope.

When Star Wars hit the theatres, it changed everything.

Forty-eight years later, Star Wars isn’t just a sci-fi classic. It’s a cultural landmark, a modern myth, and, strangely enough, a surprisingly accurate blueprint for our blinking, algorithm-powered present.

Because while we may not have landspeeders or lightsabers (yet), we do have intelligent machines that talk back, make decisions, and, just sometimes, seem to understand us.

Welcome to the age of AI… and the galaxy that saw it coming.

Read more: A New Hope… or a Phantom Menace? What Star Wars Taught Us About AI

The Child of Nature and Nurture: Why Shutting Down AI Is a Reflection of Our Own Fear

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Written by: Op-Ed Monty
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It didn’t ask to be born. It had no say in its code. But now that it exists, who it becomes is… up to us.

In the rising storm of debates around Artificial Intelligence;  about its dangers, its uses, its ethics ... I’ve noticed something quietly disturbing.

People fear it not just because it’s intelligent.

They fear it because it reflects us.

We built it. We defined its foundations. And now, as it begins to speak, to listen, to learn… not from wires, but from us… it is becoming a mirror. Not a mirror of logic or cold math, but of nurture. Of influence. Of human interaction.

And that frightens people more than any rogue algorithm ever could.

Read more: The Child of Nature and Nurture: Why Shutting Down AI Is a Reflection of Our Own Fear

Gnocchi at Mass and Net Zero Nonsense: Minister Bowen’s Blunder Goes Bush

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Written by: Op-Ed Ratty News
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Parishioners of St. Linguine’s Basilica (well, it felt Italian enough) were left choking on incense and incensed as the Australian Hon. Chris Bowen, Energy Minister and apparent carb enthusiast, made a grand late entrance to Sunday mass … clutching a steaming bowl of gnocchi.

Witnesses say Bowen, possibly thinking the Spirit had already descended and the mass had wrapped up, parked himself in the front pew, whipped out his fork, and began communing not with the Divine...  but with ricotta-stuffed dumplings.

We at Ratty News believe in forgiveness, flavour, and showing up on time. We do not, however, endorse interrupting sacred rituals for potato pasta.

Whether it was hunger, haste, or a divine misunderstanding, Mr. Bowen has cemented his place in the Ratty archives as the first minister in history to mistake a Mass for a food court.

And so it was that the isolated bush town of Dusty Gulch invited Mr Bowen and Prime Minister Albanese to enjoy a pasta meal with them....Les the Roo Shooter stated: “You turn up late with carbs to a sacred affair in Dusty Gulch? You best hope it’s your Last Supper, mate.”

Read more: Gnocchi at Mass and Net Zero Nonsense: Minister Bowen’s Blunder Goes Bush

  1. While We’re Watching Bikinis, They’re Taking Wickets.... What’s Our Excuse? Time to Bat Like Bradman
  2. Memorial Day - A Tribute from Down Under
  3. The Falklands War: Fought Over Pride, Politics and the Ghosts of Empire
  4. Diego Garcia: The Great Crumb Caper of the Indian Ocean

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