Factional ferrets, backstabbing bandicoots, and the great Teal tango - how the Libs turned on their own and left Dutton in the dust. By Roderick (Whiskers) McNibble, Chief Political Correspondent, Ratty News - keeping paws on the pulse and noses in the nonsense.
Ratty News can now reveal the explosive truth behind Peter Duttons's catastrophic election loss: it wasn’t incompetence. It wasn’t the Teals. It wasn’t even the cost-of-living crisis.
It was a hit job. An inside job. A Ratstab.
Sources embedded in the Liberal Party's subterranean burrows have leaked details of Operation Ratstab – a covert campaign of sabotage orchestrated by a cabal of factional insiders known only as The Black Paw. This Armani-suited syndicate of Sydney moderates, teal-curious technocrats, and ex-Turnbull loyalists didn’t just torpedo Dutton’s run.
They detonated the entire ship, saluted ironically, and then popped over to the North Shore for pinot noir and crumbed cheese on toast.
In the lead-up to the campaign, Dutton's office had prepared a no-nonsense 12-point blueprint: border control, energy security, fixing potholes, banning gender-neutral meat pies, – the works.
But the moment it hit party HQ, it was as if someone yelled "free range feelings only!"
Moderates responded with horror:
“Oh no, he wants to govern… decisively.”
Soon, the sabotage began: Advertising budgets vanished mysteriously, replaced by invoices from something called "Inner Urban Vibe Curation Services."
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Key messaging points were diluted, reworded to focus on "listening circles" and "empathy audits."
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Dutton’s bus tour was cancelled, replaced by a slow-moving kombi van called "The Inclusionmobile."
One whistleblower described the scene inside campaign HQ as:
“A python strangling a platypus while whispering the word 'nuance.'”
Who are these shadowy figures? According to whistle-rat "Wheelie Bin," they include:
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Photiosians, seen only at donor lunches and on the walls of wine bars.
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The Ghosts of Turnbulls Past, still haunting preselection rooms.
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NSW Right-Wing Wrong'uns, who disliked Dutton not for policy, but for being Queenslandish.
One internal rat memo read:
"If Dutton wins, the centre of power moves to the North. And no one wants to hold a fundraiser in Ipswich."
Even a loyal conservative candidate, Benjamin Britton, was sacrificed for daring to suggest that combat roles require physical readiness.
His reward? Disendorsement by Diversity Committee. His final words to the media:
“The left and right factions teamed up to stab Dutton like it was a school production of Julius Caesar. I played Brutus.”
Despite polling that screamed for a suburban and rural focus, the Liberal campaign brain trust decided instead to woo the Teal electorates.
Yes, those same electorates who:
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Prefer carbon-neutral confetti to policy.
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Think nuclear power is a microaggression.
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Would rather vote for a compost heap with a law degree than a Coalition conservative.
Billboards went up in Double Bay that read:
"Peter Dutton: Surprisingly Mild. Slightly Organic. Teal-Adjacent."
Meanwhile, in the bush, rusted-on voters received nothing but silence and a free bumper sticker reading: "Rewild the Budget."
When the election night results rolled in, the narrative was ready:
“Dutton was too harsh, too right-wing, too... Trumpian.”
But don’t be fooled.
Dutton didn’t lose because of his views. He lost because he refused to attend the Opera House in a kaftan holding a copy of The Guardian.
He was outgunned by factional cowards, undermined by moderates masquerading as unifiers, and ultimately drowned in a tide of focus-grouped waffle.
As one shellshocked campaign staffer told Ratty News:
“It’s like we were trying to lose. Honestly, I think one guy was filling out postal ballots with a teal-coloured crayon.”
As the Liberal Party begins its 17th review since breakfast, the same hacks who knifed the campaign now crowd the airwaves offering wisdom.
But the truth is simpler:
This wasn’t a campaign. It was a cover-up.
Rats in suits sold out their own leader to protect their patch of turf and their access to free prawn cocktails. And now they want you to forget it.
But Ratty News remembers.
Stay vigilant. Stay furry. And never trust a moderate offering you a cheese sandwich. It's probably a trap. .
Roderick (Whiskers) McNibble
Editor, Ratty News
"We sniff out what they bury."
