The PR Blog

BREAKING: Albanese Appoints Malcolm Turnbull as US Ambassador – “Time to Pay the Piper” Edition!

Canberra, January 13, 2026 - filed by Monty - Guest Contributer to the Dusty Gulch Gazette
In a move equal parts bipartisan masterstroke and late-night-politics-after-cocktails energy, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has announced former Liberal PM Malcolm Turnbull as Australia’s next Ambassador to the United States.

The news dropped mere hours after Kevin Rudd confirmed he’d be flouncing home on March 31, presumably to write another memoir and perfect that “condescending smirk stare” he deploys in photo ops before heading off to a role as global president of the Asia Society think tank.

Former Labor Leader, Bill " Billy Big Boobs " Shorten is reportedly a bit miffed. Lost two elections, now mostly out of the spotlight. A classic "safe pair of hands" pick for Labor mates, but he'd be out of his depth in DC schmoozing Republicans. Bonus cringe: All those old union boss memes resurfacing.Other potentials are also a bit surprised: 

• Julia Gillard -  Former PM who knifed Rudd back in the day. Imagine the optics of sending her to smooth things over with Trump after all the old Labor drama. Ultimate awkward family reunion energy. Cringeworthy level: High -  she'd probably lecture everyone on gender equality while Trump rolls his eyes.
• Some obscure ex-MP like Craig Emerson or Stephen Conroy -  The real "bludge" classics: Low-profile, past their prime, perfect for a cushy overseas posting with minimal scrutiny.

So Why Malcolm?
Labor insiders insist Turnbull’s appointment is based entirely on “merit”, citing:

• His history of " standing up to bullies "  -  especially that legendary 2017 phone call where he allegedly stared down Donald Trump with nothing but an NBN talking point and a rising vein in his forehead.
• His passion for renewables -  making him perfect to “gently educate MAGA about windmills without starting Civil War II”.
• And most importantly:

He already lives in Point Piper.

“Frankly, it’s time someone actually paid the piper,” one Labor strategist snorted.
“His neighbours are billionaires, everyone else in Sydney is eating tinned spaghetti, and Malcolm’s been circling Canberra like a seagull around a hot chip. We’re just giving him something to do -  and letting taxpayers handle the Uber to Washington.”

A Career Reversal So Delicious You Can Taste the Schadenfreude

You know, that a feeling of pleasure or satisfaction when something bad happens to someone else.  Turnbull, the silvertail who was toppled by his own party twice, now gets a plum diplomatic posting courtesy of Labor -  the people who mocked him for owning more waterfront than the Navy.

He’ll no longer need to bill taxpayers for flights to accompany Lucy to New York boutique openings -  he’ll already be there, fishing off the Potomac and telling congressional staffers he “used to run the place back home”.

TRUMP RESPONDS: IMMEDIATE MELTDOWN
Within minutes, Donald Trump uncorked a Truth Social tirade in full caps-lock fury:

“MALCOLM TURNCOAT FROM DOWN UNDER IS A WEAK, VERY WEAK LOSER!! HE HUNG UP ON ME FIRST!!! LIVES IN A $150 MILLION MANSION CALLED POINT PIPER -  SO WHO’S PAYING WHO?? SAD! NOW HE’S COMING TO MY WASHINGTON WEARING HIS BUDGIE SMUGGLERS AND HIS WEIRD JACKET?? FAKE NEWS AMBASSADOR!! THE REAL PIPER IS ME!!! TOTAL DISASTER!!!”

THE INTERNET DOES WHAT THE INTERNET DOES
Reaction was instantaneous:

• Memes of Turnbull handing Trump an invoice titled
“Phone Call Trauma Counselling -  Payable Immediately.”
• TikTok remixes of the 2017 Oval Office staredown with comedy horn sound effects.
• A viral poll:
“Which Piper Will Malcolm Pay First -  Point or Trump?”
• X user @AussieVibes nailed the mood:
“Point Piper or bust. Literally. Depends on the bikini.”

Is There a Clothing Allowance?
Albanese’s office declined to confirm whether Australia’s new envoy will receive official funds for “Turncoat Chic,”
but insiders say Malcolm is already packing:

• three linen suits,
• one solar panel brochure,
• two emergency overcoats,
• and a court-ready smile that says
“I’m not angry -  I’m just disappointed… and still richer than you.”

And thus, the Piper awaits -  and America braces for diplomatic speedos it never asked for.

A Reality Check: Would Turnbull Really Be the Worst?

In the world where former prime ministers don’t wear MAGA hats to foreign capitals, nobody is seriously whispering Turnbull’s name for Washington.

Speculation among the grown-ups is circling far more “credible” contenders, such as:

• Stephen Conroy -  the policy warhorse.
The ex-Labor senator and comms minister has long been tipped as Rudd’s likely successor.
Liberal Senator Sarah Henderson even claimed Richard Marles floated him as the favourite back in ’25.

He wouldn’t win Trump over -  he’d bore him into tactical retreat.

• Greg Norman “the Shark” in board shorts and diplomacy.
Australia’s smoothest export since VE Commodores, and Trump’s golfing soulmate.
Norman’s name has genuinely bubbled up in speculation, on the logic that if anyone can get Trump to sign an AUKUS memo, it’s a guy who knows his handicap.

And then come the ghosts of politics past, floating around the shortlist like mysterious stains on Parliament House carpet:

• Graham “Whatever It Takes” Richardson -  the dealmaker who could eat three lobbyists before breakfast and call it weetbix.

• Bob Hawke (if resurrection technology improves) -  sculling beers with congressional Republicans, renewing ANZUS, and adopting their children by lunchtime.
He’d charm them so fast they’d start calling Vegemite “Freedom Spread”.

In that company, Turnbull -  the Ghost Who Walks -  looks almost inevitable, ego polished, Point Piper wingtips gleaming, gliding into Washington like a man born to lecture senators about fibre-to-the-premises.

But let’s face it: Albanese’s real pick, when it finally drops, will probably be a safe, beige bureaucrat whose most dangerous hobby is birdwatching.

Which is precisely why our fictional appointment is so much more satisfying. Because if politics can’t give us joy, satire will -  and Turnbull in a trench coat, beach shirt and MAGA cap is too delicious to waste on reality.