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When Douglas Adams wrote “ Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, I never really believed that we would see the Golgafrinchins trying to take over the world. But, here we are, in the middle of the worst year that we have seen in decades, watching them trying to create a new society.

It will end in tears for them and tears of laughter from us. Because they live in a world where ordering pizza, demanding $10 from their parents and planting toy gardens simply won’t cut it. As we know, money does not grow on trees. And wheels don’t build themselves. They may be better off demanding a shower but what do I know? 

So here is why I believe that Chaz is being occupied by the rejects of Golgafrincha and we actually should keep them there.

The Golgafrinchins decided to get rid of 1/3rd of their useless population by telling them that a mutant star goat was going to eat the planet. They put them on to a giant Arkship that had been pre programmed to crash land so that there was no chance in hell that they could ever come back.

That planet was Earth. When they arrived, they set about creating a new society. Ruled by committees and consensus.

I am reminded of this from his work where he writes:

“ Ancient Golgafrinchan culture included a sect known as 'the great circling poets of Arium', who would abuse travelers, circle them and throw rocks at them. Afterwards, they would recite an epic poem which usually involved the rescue of a beautiful monster from a ravening Princess by five sage Princes on four horses. The second, much longer part of the poem details the arguments the princes held over who was going to have to walk back. “

Now, who does that remind me of?

When the committees start working out the fundamentals of their new society Douglas Adams writes:

“If,” [“the management consultant”] said tersely, “we could for a moment move on to the subject of fiscal policy. . .”

“Fiscal policy!” whooped Ford Prefect. “Fiscal policy!”

The management consultant gave him a look that only a lungfish could have copied.

“Fiscal policy. . .” he repeated, “that is what I said.”

“How can you have money,” demanded Ford, “if none of you actually produces anything? It doesn’t grow on trees you know.”

“If you would allow me to continue.. .”

Ford nodded dejectedly.

“Thank you. Since we decided a few weeks ago to adopt the leaf as legal tender, we have, of course, all become immensely rich.”

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“ Ford stared in disbelief at the crowd who were murmuring appreciatively at this and greedily fingering the wads of leaves with which their track suits were stuffed.

“But we have also,” continued the management consultant, “run into a small inflation problem on account of the high level of leaf availability, which means that, I gather, the current going rate has something like three deciduous forests buying one ship’s peanut.”

Murmurs of alarm came from the crowd. The management consultant waved them down.

“So in order to obviate this problem,” he continued, “and effectively revalue the leaf, we are about to embark on a massive defoliation campaign, and. . .er, burn down all the forests. I think you’ll all agree that’s a sensible move under the circumstances.”

The crowd seemed a little uncertain about this for a second or two until someone pointed out how much this would increase the value of the leaves in their pockets whereupon they let out whoops of delight and gave the management consultant a standing ovation.”

Later, they debate the invention of the wheel:

``And the wheel,'' said the Captain, ``What about this wheel thingy? It sounds a terribly interesting project.''

``Ah,'' said the marketing girl, ``Well, we're having a little difficulty there.''

``Difficulty?'' exclaimed Ford, ``Difficulty? What do you mean, difficulty? It's the single simplest machine in the entire Universe!''

The marketing girl soured him with a look.

``Alright, Mr Wiseguy,'' she said, ``you're so clever, you tell us what colour it should have.''

 

There it is in a nutshell. Why the world has gone mad. And why Chaz needs to be kept. Maybe moved to another planet but kept all the same. And expanded.

In fact, now that the Space Force is up and running, is anyone prepared to chip in a few bucks for an Arkship?

And if anyone can find a mutant star goat on Craigs List, please let me know. Because, right now, we need one.

 

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