DUSTY GULCH IN TURMOIL AS SOCIAL MEDIA MELTDOWN HITS MULTI-SPECIES SCHOOL
By Roderick (Whiskers) McNibble, Ratty News Correspondent, Whistleblower & Former School Captain (1987)
DUSTY GULCH – In a town where ducks debate policy, possums parent fiercely, and rats run rogue under the monkey bars, peace at the local school has finally gone down the drain - quite literally. What began as a simple playground prank has spiralled into a full-blown multi-species standoff over memes, mayhem, and malfunctioning toilets.
With viral videos, rogue VPN networks, and a self-declared duck censor now running the show, Dusty Gulch School is no longer just an educational institution, it’s the frontline of a generational cyber war. And somewhere in the middle of it all, poor Trevor the wallaby is still icing his knees.
Dusty Gulch School ...a once proud institution where possums, rats, ducks, and the occasional human miscreant all learned side by side under the watchful eye of Head Teacher Miss Tuppence Wagtail...has erupted into scandal after an explosive week of digital delinquency.
Trouble began when a cheeky young rat, known online as “R4tzRulez69,” posted a photo of fellow classmate Trevor (a clumsy wallaby) mid-air, mid-scream, and mid-fall after a fateful tangle with the monkey bars. The post was captioned:
“Trevor Takes Flight #MarsupialFail” ...and went viral in mere minutes.
This followed a string of questionable uploads:
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Ducklings lip-syncing to outlawed bushranger ballads
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A suspicious number of unauthorised cat memes (none of whom attend the school)
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And one highly filtered, possibly AI-generated image of Miss Wagtail at the school swimming carnival in what she described as “entirely inappropriate lighting.”
FELINE DEPUTIES UNDER FIRE FOR DERELICTION (AND NAPPING) OF DUTY
In the midst of Dusty Gulch’s spiralling school scandal, attention has now turned to Mayor Dusty McFookit’s controversial Feline Deputies - a cadre of semi-employed cats supposedly tasked with schoolyard “watchfulness” and digital oversight.
Instead, they've been:
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Caught sleeping in the lost property box
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Spotted livestreaming mice chases on Possumgram
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Accused of accepting bribes in the form of sardine sandwiches to “look the other way”
One disgruntled teacher, speaking on condition of anonymity, said:
“They were meant to stop bullying. Instead, they formed a jazz trio and started selling NFTs of Year 4's art projects.”
The Mayor, when asked for comment, shrugged:
“They’re cats. You don’t hire them. You just hope they show up.”
Mrs. Marjorie Wallaroo, mother of young Trevor (currently limping and emotionally bruised), gave a scathing statement outside the tuckshop while handing out gluten-free lamingtons:
“First of all, my son is not a meme. He’s a sensitive boy with flat feet and a complicated relationship with playground equipment. Secondly, if this EDuck creature thinks it can trample on privacy laws, it can expect a very strongly worded letter from my solicitor - typed in bold.”
She then added:
“I didn’t raise Trevor to be broadcast mid-plummet across the internet like some kind of marsupial stuntman. There are policies, and this town seems to be flying south of all of them.”
CALLS FOR REGULATION
Enter Prentis Penjani, fresh from his failed Duckinator mayoral campaign, now self-appointed High Executor of the newly formed Gulch Governance for All (GGFA) - an unelected advisory board with a centralised server farm located in his backyard shed.
In a duck-call encoded message, Penjani declared:
“All students must be banned from social media immediately. Content shall henceforth be approved by the appointed EDuck - a neutral, algorithmically-leaning mallard named Maurice.”
PUSHBACK FROM THE MAYOR’S OFFICE
Mayor Dusty McFookit, still officially mayor (though Penjani contests the legality of last year’s sausage sizzle election), responded at an impromptu press conference outside the pub:
“Look, banning things doesn’t work. Ask the bin turkies about bin night. What we need is a bit of parenting, a bit of teaching, and a bit less panic. Besides, if you ban the kids online, they’ll just carve insults into the trees like the old days.”
TEACHERS, PARENTS AND POSSUMS REACT
Miss Wagtail herself, speaking at the P&C meeting held in the old goat shed, declared:
“I once educated a bandicoot with a eucapalypt problem. I do not need a bureaucratic duck reviewing my chalkboard.”
Local parent Mrs. Flicka Possum added:
“Maybe before we ban memes, we make sure the school toilets aren’t swallowing children whole. A safe internet’s nice, but how about a safe loo?”
STUDENTS LAUNCH “OPERATION BYPASS” IN DEFIANCE OF BAN
Just days after the GGFA imposed its sweeping restrictions, the students of Dusty Gulch have struck back. with firewalls, proxies, and cunning only seen during the Great Milo Rationing of 2020.
“They learned it all during the lockdowns,” sighed Miss Wagtail. “We thought they were using Microsoft Teams. Turns out they were building an underground data haven in the library storeroom.”
Students have joined across species lines to create:
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An encrypted messaging app: Possumgram
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A school-wide mesh network: DuckNet
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A VPN service: VPNuggets, run out of an abandoned ice cream truck behind the footy oval
An anonymous source, PossumPrime88, tapped out via smart whiteboard:
“The duck may quack, but we will hack. Tell Penjani: We. Are. Legion. Also, Trevor’s fine.”
PENJANI DECLARES CYBER-WAR
“This isn’t civil disobedience,” Penjani snapped in a Discord town hall.
“It’s cyberterrorism. These children are creating an alternate internet. That’s not education - it’s sedition!”
He demanded emergency powers for EDuck Maurice, and the issuance of compulsory NeckLanyards of Obedience™ (prototype pending).
Maurice the EDuck responded by uploading a JPEG of a thumbs-down emoji and flying off to review Year 3’s YouTube channel.
MAYOR MCFookIT UNFAZED
Seen behind the pie van, McFookit stated:
“You ban ’em here, they’ll pop up there. Honestly, VPNuggets? That’s genius. Somebody give that kid a scholarship.”
MORE TO COME
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Trevor has launched a merch line: “I Survived the Monkey Bars”
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A mysterious hacker known only as RedHeadRootAccess has posted the GGFA server blueprints
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Year 2 has now joined the rebellion after their guinea pig blog was flagged as “emotional provocation”
Miss Wagtail, reportedly exhausted but quietly amused, has offered snack-based asylum to student coders in exchange for help resetting her password.
CONCLUSION: THE REVOLT WILL BE STREAMED
As Dusty Gulch teeters on the edge of a full-scale interspecies cyber-insurgency, one thing remains clear:
This is not the end. This is only the next upload. And the Young Ducks and Possums are onto it.
This article is satire. It uses humour, exaggeration, and a sprinkle of cheekiness to make a point. It’s not meant to be taken literally or as factual reporting. If you’re looking for straight news, this ain’t it. But if you enjoy a good laugh and a bit of honest reflection, you’re in the right place.
