The PR Blog

RATTY NEWS SPECIAL BULLETIN

By Roderick “Whiskers” McNibble, Editor-in-Cheese

It has been a busy week here in Dusty Gulch.

It all began with a report I filed a few days ago but held back from publishing due to rising duck-threat levels and escalating biscuit security.

But now, with the town in open uproar and the smell of conspiracy wafting stronger than Maude Elphinstone’s curried egg sandwiches, I can at last reveal the events that have shaken Dusty Gulch to its very poultry-plucked core:

 “Mayor Abduckted!”

Dusty McFookit Vanishes Without a Trace

Let’s get the facts straight:

• Name: Dusty McFookit

• Position: Mayor of Dusty Gulch (by default, charisma, and a 3-vote landslide)

• Last Known Activity: Mumbling about “the shifty glint in a duck’s eye,” followed by a failed attempt to post a blog about potholes shaped like former councillors.

• Current Status: Missing. Blog silent. Computer non-responsive. Possibly ducknapped. Possibly worse.

Rumours began to bubble when Dusty’s usual Monday morning blog post entitled "Quack Tolerance and the Rise of Seed-Based Nepotism" never arrived. His vintage computer, last seen coughing out a haiku about magpies, refused to boot.

Eyewitnesses reported a suspicious flurry of feathers near the mayoral chook shed. One source, who asked to remain anonymous due to “ongoing duck surveillance,” claimed to see Dusty being dragged across the oval by a highly coordinated squad of ducks in tiny tactical harnesses.

Not the actual abduction. Reinactment only.  Actual footage could upset some viewers  according to E Karen. Thanks to Paddy for this image.

 LIVE FROM THE SCENE

RODERICK McNIBBLE (serious, whiskers twitching):

“This is Roderick McNibble reporting from the scene of the great Duck Unmasking of Dusty Gulch - where betrayal waddled in on webbed feet, quacked a smooth tune, and nearly cooked our freedom in the deep fryer out back.”

 BREAKING: PRENTIS PENJANI WAS A PLANT

Confirmed overnight by Dusty McFookit himself - alive, cold, and slightly buttered - after a dramatic escape from the walk-in freezer of his own burger joint.

Prentis Penjani - long thought to be a friendly rogue plumber turned Sheriff - was in fact a deep-quack operative, reportedly funded by a shadowy syndicate known only as Magoo Inc. and headed by none other than Mr Magoo himself, also known as " Handsome Boy. " 

Dusty, now wrapped in two tea towels and clutching a warm meat pie and a ginger cat, declared:

“The real enemy isn’t the cold storage - it’s the cold lies. I knew the moment Prentis offered me imported halal certified dim sum chutney… something was fowl.”

 DUCKS IN DISGRACE

A thorough audit of council records revealed a full-blown duck infiltration:

• Head of Infrastructure: Mallard

• Registrar of Births, Deaths & Mysterious Permits: A teal

• Emotional Wellbeing Coordinator: A smooth-talking E drake with a vague accent and a questionable degree in mindfulness

They squawked about safety, progress, and seed equity. But in truth? They were selling off Dusty Gulch one quack at a time - eggs and all.

 CWA IN SHOCK

Even the Country Women’s Association, those scone-wielding matriarchs of reason, were blindsided.

“We never suspected a thing,” sobbed Maude Elphinstone, who was seen rearranging lemon-curd doilies that now spelled out the word LIES.

 WHERE IS MR MAGOO?

Insiders believe Mr Magoo Esq. has retreated to the Ducks-Only Spa & Surveillance Centre in the upper paddock.

Last overheard muttering:

“Everything’s fine. The voters love breadcrumbs. And besides… Hillary and Xi said it was fine.”

(Note: Mrs Roo has filed a Freedom of Informer Request demanding Hillary’s current whereabouts.)

THE OH-BAM TAPES

Unearthed from behind the frozen hash browns in McFookit’s walk-in freezer, a mysterious VHS tape contains damning audio. A foreign voice, suspected to be Barack Obama is heard declaring:

“We’ll get the town. One duck at a time. Just keep the burgers cold and the passports and birth certificates hidden.”

The tape reportedly smells of bleach and was wrapped in a Kenyan newspaper. It had been recorded over an old episode of " The Celebrity Apprentice, "

 DUSTY GULCH RISES

A resistance movement has formed overnight:
The McFookit Alliance for Truth, Tongs, and Tinfoil.
Their weapons?

• Laminated burger menus

• Deep-fried wisdom

• And the old-fashioned instincts of a town that won’t be plucked

A chant now echoes nightly through the red gums and dust:

“No more ducks, no more lies!
Bring back truth and burger pies!”

 FINAL THOUGHTS FROM THE FRONTLINE

Roderick McNibble, now slightly windblown and dodging falling citrus, signs off:

“In the end, it wasn’t a coup. It wasn’t marmalade policy. It wasn’t even the avocados. It was duckery. And Dusty stood firm.

This is Ratty News, reminding you:
Never trust a feathered bureaucrat in borrowed boots. Stay alert. Stay warm. And always check your freezer.”

The Feline Furry Friends of Dusty are back in charge. 

This article is satire. It uses humour, exaggeration, and a sprinkle of cheekiness to make a point. It’s not meant to be taken literally or as factual reporting. If you’re looking for straight news, this ain’t it. But if you enjoy a good laugh and a bit of honest reflection, you’re in the right place.