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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time,
So the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly,
“Good morning, Johnny.”
“Good morning, Pastor,”
he replied, still focused on the plaque.
“Pastor, what is this?”
The pastor replied, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Johnny’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
“Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?”
One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".
Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "
I had a tree I wanted removed because it was too close to the house.
I called a tree guy. He came out and did a nice job cutting down the tree.
He asked me what I thought. I said, "It's nice, but what about the stump?"
He informed me that he was just a tree guy who cut down trees, if I wanted the stump removed, I would need to call a stump guy.
I found a highly recommend stump guy. He came and got the stump out. He says, "There you go." I asked him about the hole.
He says, "I'm a stump guy and just remove stumps. I don't fill in the holes." He told me I would need to call a landscaper.
I get ahold of a landscaper and I tell him, "I'm fixing to leave town on a trip. I don't care what you do, just fix the hole and make it look nice."
I got back today and found out he planted a fookin tree.
An Irish bodybuilder takes off his shirt, and the blonde woman says:
Wow what a great chest you have!
He says
100 lbs of dynamine babe!
He then takes off his pants, and the blonde says
Wow what massive calves you have!
He says
100 lbs of dynamine babe!
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running, screaming in fear.
He puts on his clothes and chases behind her. Once he eventually caught up to her, he asked why the hell she ran away like that.
The blonde replied:
I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
"No", says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?"
The neighbor says, "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No", he says. "They’re all at the funeral."
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DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.
JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?