Other Jokes

An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

A couple decided to celebrate their 50th. anniversary at the restaurant they frequented since before they were married. While waiting for their order they were reminiscing about the past.

Him: “Honey, remember the very first time we made love against that fence at the back? How about we do it again for old times sake?”

Her: “Sure, why not. Should be fun”

They get up and both with canes walk out to the dark secluded spot.

A young policeman sitting near-by overheard them and thought; I’ve got to see this. And discreetly follows them out, hiding in the shadows.

When the couple got to the spot, they got down to business.

In the pitch darkness, all you could hear was “oh…ah…”s and squealing.

15 minutes later, they collapsed against the fence and another 10 minutes after catching their breath, they got up and started shuffling back to the restaurant.

As they were passing the young man, his awe of them and curiosity got the better of him and asked: “Sorry sir, that was amazing love making, after 50 years of marriage, what is a secret to your youthful stamina?”

“Well my lad, 50 years ago that fence was not an electric fence”

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5 lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10 lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door, and when he opens it, he finds a huge, muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week.

A man’s car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery. He walked up to the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk answered, listened to the man’s story, and graciously invited him to spend the night.

The monks fed him and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man slept serenely until a strange and beautiful sound awakened him. The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had woke him. “We’re sorry,” the monks said. “We can’t tell you about the sound. You’re not a monk.”

Disappointed, the man went on his way and pondered the source of the alluring sound for several years. One day he again stopped at the monastery and explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay. So he asked for permission to spend another night under their peaceful roof. Late that night, he again heard the strange, beautiful sound. The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound but the monks gave him the same answer as before.

“We’re sorry. We can’t tell you about the sound. You’re not a monk.”

By now the man’s curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything to become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming one of them. Seventeen long years later, the man finally became a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.

Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key.

The door swung open to reveal a second door, this one of silver, then a third of gold, and so on. Until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk’s face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful and mysterious sound he had heard so many years before.

But I can’t tell you what it was, because you’re not a monk.

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am very well, I hope you are too. Tell big brothers Sean, Paddy and Mick that the Army is better than working on the farm; tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone.

I was a bit slow settling down at first because you don't get out of bed until 6am, but I got used to it and I like sleeping in now. All you do before breakfast is make your bed, shine your boots and clean your uniform.

No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothing. Men must shave, but it’s not too bad because there's hot water and a light to see what you’re doing. For breakfast there’s cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no fillet steaks or sausages. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march', which is just like walking to the well in the meadow.

This will kill Sean and Paddy with laughter but I keep getting medals for shooting!! I don’t know why because the bull’s-eye is as big as a bloody bull's head and it doesn't move and it’s not firing back at you like the Murphy’s did when our bull got their cow in calf before the Ballina show. All you have to do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss.

You don't even load your own cartridges – they come in boxes and you don't have to steady yourself against the roll bar of the tractor when you reload. Sometimes we wrestle with the city boys and I have to be very careful because they break easy - it's not like fighting with Sean, Paddy, Mick and all the other local fellas all at once like we do.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either; it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got. I've only been beaten once by this guy from Dublin - he's 6 foot 8 and 120 kilos so he’s a good bit bigger than me but I fought to the end.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets out how good it is.

Your loving daughter,
Siobhàn.