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We all know how annoying those pesky telemarketers are. They cleverly conceal their Australian accents by pretending to be Philipino or Indian but they don't fool me. They are always named Kevin or Jimmy or Tiffany, but never Raj or Aanah. But, whoever they are and wherever they call home, one thing is for sure: we are heartily sick of hearing their voices on the end of the telephone and telling us that our internet is about to be cut off.

To be honest, I have been wondering if that is where Monty went wrong. Kevin or Jimmy rang and said that the internet was being cut off and Mont probably abused the well intentioned telemarketer and slammed the phone down. A few hours later, the phone and internet were gone. 

internet shutdown in july 2012

Whilst Monty assures me that no such call was received, I used to get calls every day alerting me to this very scenario.

However, I have a response that has not only saved my internet and phone from being disconnected but has also left me on a platinum plan whereby the internet gods don't even bother calling me anymore. 

It reminds me of the ads I see on tele where they say:

" I could charge you a thousand dollars for this information, but today, I have a very special offer for the readers. It will not cost you $1000. It won't even cost you $500. In fact it won't cost you a cent. That's right. Today only, it is free. But only for the first 1 million readers. "

 download 5

Yeah right, we've all seen the ad. But I have a cunning plan that, as old mate Blackadder once said, is so cunning you could pin a tail on it and call it a weasel.

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 All you have to do is talk to the telemarketer. 


Say, in your best old pensioner voice " I am so pleased you called. You have no idea how grateful I am. " A quivery voice is rather good I have found. Also The Grumpy Old Shit voice is known to work wonders but only if you apologise and say it is because your 19 year old Jack Russell just spewed on the lounge suite and you haven't had any sleep and your prostate is playing up. 

 best telemarketer prank ever2

Jimmy or Kevin will then tell you that your internet is about to be cut off.  You then say something like this:

( I find it helpful to have it written down ) 

" It probably doesn't matter anyway. No one ever calls me or emails me. This virus has made people very uncaring, have you noticed that Kevin? ( insert name as appropriate )  Why, before the Chinese Batflu and, let's be fair, it did come from China and it was linked to bats , but personally I have never been that convinced about the bats but certainly the China bit ; anyway, since that wuflu came, people can't talk on the phone anymore and you know why Kevin?

Because of the masks. yes, the masks. Now, in my day, and I am in my autumn years, masks were not the done thing. No Kevin, I know you want to tell me how important it is that I give you my credit card details or access to my computer, but I really must get this off my chest before my phone and internet go down. I haven't been sleeping well and my shoulders are hurting and my next door neighbour has just bought a foreign car. Mind you, these days you can't buy an Australian car can you?...... "

By now Kevin has nipped off to gnaw his limbs off, shoot himself , head off to have a vindaloo or book an emergency therapy session with Human Resources.

They put you on a DO NOT CALL register with a note flashing " Old Aged Pensioner! " 

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It works.

If it doesn't, just think of the fun you just had. 

Because we old aged pensioners are crafty buggers!

You're welcome. 



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