Kim Yong Un, Joe Biden and Murphy walked into a bar.
They all ordered a whisky.
When they go to drink them, they notice a fly in each of their beers.
Outraged, the North Korean politician declares war and threatens to destroy the bar for allowing this to happen.
Joe Biden declares that stricter sanctions and regulations will be imposed on the restaurant and bar industry immediately.
Murphy grabs the fly by the wings and screams, “Spit it out, you fookin bastard!!!”
The devil pays a visit to a politician and makes an offer.
“I can make some arrangements for you,” the devil says. “I’ll get you billions of dollars, unrestricted political power, and anything else you can imagine. All I ask in return is that millions of people around the world die of disease and poverty.”
The politician thinks for a moment and says, “What’s the catch?”
What’s the difference between Politicians and Thieves?
A thief steals your money and then runs while a politician runs and then steals your money.
Biden said he wanted to get into politics.
I said " Are you mad? Are you fookin insane? Are you a moron? Have you lost your mind? "
Murphy just got a role in a play. He's playing the role of a guy who's been married for 50 years but he's a bit disappointed because he was hoping for a speaking part.
After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo. When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.
The 3 fella's, Englishman, Scotsman, Irishman were on a beach and come upon a beautiful mermaid sitting on a rock. The Englishman walks up and says, Blimey. Miss, have you ever been kissed? She says, no and he kisses her. She says that's lovely. The Scot says, hey lassie have ye ere have your breasts fondled? She says no! He feels her up & she says, that's lovely. It's Paddy's turn. He says to her, hey lady, have ye ever been screwed? She says, no! He says, well yer screwed now. The tides gone out.
My late Pappy used to always say that in the old days people could leave their back doors open. That's probably why his submarine sank.
I'll never forget the last words my father said to me when I was a young lad.
" Stop shaking the ladder you little fook. "
Murphy is pulled over at 1 in the morning...the cop asks him, 'Where are you racing to at this time of the morning?' Murphy says he is going to a lecture on the dangers of drinking and staying out late...and who is giving this lecture at this time says the cop...."Well sir, that would be my wife."
With all the Mexicans coming over the border into America, I hear they are translating Harper Lee's Classic into Mexican.
It's called Tequila Mockingbird.
I'll never forget the night Murphy came running home yelling " It's a Boy! It's a Boy! "
We never went back to Thailand.
Murphy thought he'd finally meant the one. The woman of his dreams.
He wanted to make sure so he did a bit od detective work and went through her wardrobe and drawers.
After finding a nurse's outfit, a police woman's outfit and a french maid's outfit he decided she wasn't for him.
If she can't hold down a fookin job she's not for him.
