The Australian Stakes – The Great Dusty Gulch Cup

From the Dusty Gulch Bureau of Equine Affairs – by Roderick “Whiskers” McNibble

The sun is high, the dust is thick, and the smell of oats, spilled beer, and ambition hangs heavy over the paddock. Welcome, ladies, gents, rats, and casual gawkers, to the Dusty Gulch racetrack... the only place where the fences are crooked, the odds are stranger than finding an honest politician at a press conference, and every horse is convinced it will outrun the apocalypse.

Today marks the return of the nation’s most unpredictable spectacle: the Australian Stakes, where old rivalries, new controversies, and the occasional rogue emu collide in a cacophony of hooves, slogans, and scattered hay bales. The crowd buzzes, the stewards nervously flip coins, and somewhere in the distance, the Dusty Dingo is topping up the kegs of Emu Brew.

Dust off your fascinators, fill your hip flasks, and brace your betting slips - because no one, not even the bookies, can predict what will happen when these illustrious nags thunder to the starting gates. Every finisher thinks it’s a champion; every loser thinks it was robbed. By the time the dust settles, the bar will be open, the photo-finish camera pawned, and the moral victories distributed like stubby holders at a Bachelor and Spinsters ball.

The Field

Red Terror – IN
Back from Mar-a-Lago with Trump’s blessing. Still the fiery red mare with a blonde streak, now sporting a tiny MAGA cap. Whinnies “Please explain!” at every photo finish.
3/1 (Crowd favourite)

Albo’s Fumble – IN
Miraculously in the field and bookie favourite despite never training due to overseas commitments for photo ops. Bay gelding with a lisp and a dodgy track record, often winning because competitors carried handicaps of questionable merit. Jockey keeps yelling, “We’re in front… I think?”
4/1 (Sweating but still in)

Sussy Sue – IN
Promoted to stable favourite in a stable rumoured to be on the verge of closure. Piebald mare leading the Liberal charge, prone to tripping over her own loyalty every 200m.
20/1 (Each-way value)

Nampa Jumper – IN
From Alice Springs, a fast riser and new runner in the Stakes. Chestnut mare with a reputation for a strong personality. Could be one to watch.
20/1 (Each-way value)

Hastie’s Hurdler – IN
The new Opposition dark horse. Brown stallion with a Bible in the saddlebag. Clears CCP fences with ease and solid on a heavy track.
15/1 (Rising fast)

Teal Temptress – IN
Solar-powered and sponsor-approved. Shimmering coat, community saddlecloth, and a habit of stopping mid-race for a sustainability selfie.
6/1 (Popular with latte punters)

Dutton’s Downfall – SCRATCHED
Lost his place in a shock upset. Last seen grazing in a Queensland paddock, muttering about submarines.

Greens Galloper – SCRATCHED
Wiped out in an inner-city wipeout. Now protesting the race from a tree sit-in.

Dusty’s Dream – IN
Veteran of many bush-race meets. Old bush stallion who believes every race was better before the bureaucrats arrived. Still running on beer, dust, and stubborn pride.
12/1 (Sentimental favourite)

Roderick’s Race Call (Excerpt)

“And they’re off! Red Terror surges ahead -  tail on fire, slogans flying! Albo’s Fumble changes lanes after consulting a focus group. Hastie’s Hurdler vaults over the foreign policy fence. Sussy Sue clips a corner but blames the saddle.

Teal Temptress pauses to adjust her influencer fascinator  hat, while Dusty’s Dream moves steadily, muttering something about the good old days when oats were oats and politicians stayed in their paddocks.

At the line, it’s Red Terror by a whisker… or maybe Albo’s Fumble by a promise. Stewards to decide after lunch.”

Oops wrong image. Oh well, shit happens. 

FINAL STEWARDS’ REPORT

Issued at 4:17 pm, after the bar tab ran out and the photo-finish camera was pawned for a round of Emu Brew at the Dusty Dingo.

Race Status: INCONCLUSIVE
The photo finish remains under review by the National Ethics, Oats & Spin Committee (NEOSC).
Current delay: 18 months and counting.

Disqualifications & Penalties

• Red Terror – Stood down 6 months. Found with undeclared MAGA-brand electrolyte paste. Trainer insists it was “just a souvenir from Florida.”

• Albo’s Fumble – Fined 12 bales of hay. Tested positive for excessive focus-group pheromones. Jockey suspended for yelling, “We’re in front… I think?” while clearly in fourth.

• Sussy Sue – Demoted to barrier trials. Tripped over own loyalty again  -  third offence this season.

• Nampa Jumper – Warning issued. Changed trainers mid-race; new silks still being embroidered. Can she overcome the change of stable?

• Hastie’s Hurdler – Reprimanded. Bible in saddlebag deemed “performance-enhancing literature.”

• Teal Temptress – Disqualified. Stopped at 600m to film a TikTok; ring light blinded Dusty’s Dingo.

• Dusty’s Dream – Cleared. Only runner to finish on the correct track. Awarded moral victory and a stubby holder.

Scratched Runners

• Dutton’s Downfall – Retired to stud. Currently writing memoir: How I Lost My Seat But Kept My Scowl.

• Greens Galloper – Banned for life. Refused to leave tree; now running a GoFundMe for “ethical turf replacement.”

Prize Money
Withheld pending ICAC investigation into the golden boomerang. Rumour has it it was melted down to fund a Voice to Parliament podcast.

Next Race – The Canberra Cup

3-Year Term, Heavy Track, False Starts Encouraged

Early favourite:  Lambie’s Lancer – enters with a megaphone and a meat tray.

Roderick’s Race Call – LIVE
(Commentator: Ray “Rusty” Gates, now on his third pie)

“They’re in the gates - and Barnaby’s Beetrooter is already halfway to the bar! Jockey yelling, ‘Hold your horses, I’m just finishin’ me drink!’ Lights - away!

Lambie’s Lancer explodes like a dropped esky lid - ‘MOVE IT, YA MUPPETS!’ Red Terror surges, cork hat spinning. Albo’s Fumble veers left, then right, then calls a press conference. 600m to go - Barnaby’s Beetrooter aquaplanes through the straight after spilling a schooner on the track! Crowd roars: ‘GO ON, YA RED LEGEND!’

Teal Temptress stops to plant a tree. Hastie’s Hurdler leaps a phantom sub. Dusty’s Dingo refuses to pass the Parliament House bar. Final 100m - it’s Barnaby vs Jacqui! Beetrooter’s purple hooves thundering, Lancer’s megaphone blaring - PHOTO FINISH!

Stewards retire to the Senate Tea Room for a 3-year inquiry.”

STEWARDS’ REPORT – CANBERRA CUP

Result: Dead heat between Barnaby’s Beetrooter and Lambie’s Lancer.

• Beetrooter wins the People’s Choice Stubby Holder.

• Lancer wins the Senate Megaphone Medal.

Penalties:

• Barnaby’s Beetrooter – Fined one carton. Spillage deemed “environmental hazard.”

• Albo’s Fumble – Stood down. Found

• asleep in the mounting yard with young colt Totos's Revenge.

• Red Terror – Warning. Attempted to build a fence around the winner’s circle Australian Flag.

Prize Money:
Replaced with vouchers for the Parliament House bar—non-transferable, expires at next election.

BARNABY’S BEETROOTER WINS THE CANBERRA CUP! (sort of)
Dead heat with Lambie.  Albo asleep at the barriers.

“I spilled me beer and still won!” Barnaby’s Beetrooter slays the field. Lambie's megaphone nearly takes out a steward.

 

Roderick’s Final Whisper:

“In Dusty Gulch, the only certainty is the bar opens at noon. Place your bets, hold your nose, and remember: every nag thinks it’s a stallion until the finish line.”

And never forget the race that stopped the nation a few years ago....

This is Roderick ( Whiskers ) McNibble signing out. I am off to Mar A Largo in one of Pauline's hand knitted jumpers... the update tomorrow should be a purler...

As always this article is crap and if it offends you , your problem not ours.  

Monty