Patriot Realm

In a top-secret cross-galactic reassignment leaked by sources wearing sunglasses indoors, Agents J and K of the Men in Black have been deployed to handle their most temperamental alien yet: Prince Harry.

Tasked with managing diplomatic meltdowns and navigating emotional wormholes, the agents are now stationed at an undisclosed Californian compound, code-named “Netflix Nebula.”

Experts warn: the subject’s volatility rivals that of a Zarthonian slime monarch in a custody battle. Their mission? Protect the prince, his privacy, and his podcast schedule...at all costs. And Agent H wants to bring back the neuralyzer. To wipe the public memory of the past few years. 

Harry Hires Men in Black: “Because Normal Security Doesn’t Handle Aliens”

In a bold move that has stunned Buckingham Palace and baffled MI6, Prince Harry - henceforth known as Agent H - has enlisted the Men in Black as his personal security team.

"They understand me," Agent H told Ratty News in an exclusive astral Zoom call from his Montecito base, flanked by Agents J and K and a sentient houseplant named “Glenda.”

When asked why he chose the MIB over traditional royal protection, Agent H pointed out, “Look, I’ve dealt with shapeshifters, royal protocol, and Piers Morgan and  Meggsie. I need professionals. Plus, I don't have to pay them. It's all about image. ”

Sources close to the Sussexes say Meggsie, code-named Agent Cringe, is delighted. “We were tired of people seeing us. Now, they just forget we exist! It’s like our Netflix series never happened. We can start again.”

The MIB, famed for protecting Earth from alien threats, reportedly found Harry a perfect fit.
“He has experience,” said Agent K. “He’s been probed by tabloids, abducted by drama, and occasionally spotted at polo matches. Honestly, we thought he was one of ours.”

A palace insider (codename: Corgi One) told Ratty News, “Frankly, we're relieved. The Men in Black don’t leak to the press, don’t demand tiaras, and never complain about Frogmore catering or lack of pretty flowers in children's lunchboxes.”

Plans are already underway to rebrand Harry’s memoir “Spare” as “Spare Parts: My Life Among Earthlings.”

Agents J and K are no strangers to volatile extraterrestrials, making them the ideal candidates to handle a royal with... let’s say unusual gravity of truth.

Here’s part of their classified dossier, recently leaked to Ratty News by an informant known only as "Deep Cheese" (believed to be a bushrat from Dusty Gulch with MI5 clearance):

MIB ASSIGNMENT RECORDS -  AGENTS J & K
TOP SECRET (unless you have RATTY credentials)

Agent K

• Survived 37 cycles trapped in a time loop watching Albo say power prices would go down by $275.

• Negotiated a ceasefire between the Nationals and the Liberals after a dispute over who unfollowed whom on SpaceBook.

• Personal note: Has the emotional range of a rock and can deliver 11 different kinds of silence -  vital when Harry starts on about "my truth."

Agent J

• Disarmed Adam Bandtwith mood-sensitive tentacles after he mistook Will Smith's Oscar slap for intergalactic green war protocol.

• Calmed a sobbing Lidia Thorpeby pretending to care about her missing rainbow serpent favourite bedtime toy.

• Once wrestled a shape-shifting paparazzo disguised as an ABC reporter.

• Fluent in passive-aggressive sarcasm, which pairs beautifully with British aristocracy and Australian political speak fests.

Special Assignment: Prince Harry & Meghan

• Mission Objective: Contain the Emotional Wormhole of Sussex.

• Protocol: Smile politely, neuralyze the public, and never, ever mention Spotify.

Agent J (on briefing): “We’ve handled bug-eyed monsters, Albo, Adam Bandt, exploding eggs, and galaxies hidden in locker rooms. This guy’s just trying to get free security and a Netflix renewal. Easy.”

In related news, King Charles is rumoured to be considering hiring the Ghostbusters to handle his own family problems.

RATTY News Royal reporter Candy McBuckhouse filed this exclusive:

In a world teetering on the edge of holographic diplomacy and AI-deepfake sincerity, Harry, the prince formerly known as Prince continues to demand royal-level security while simultaneously denying any desire to be royal. It’s like insisting on an umbrella at a sunny Californian picnic, because once upon a time, you lived in London.

But make no mistake: this isn’t about safety. It’s about status.

Harry, aka the Ginge, accompanied by the Cringe (formerly Markle of Montecito), isn't losing sleep over actual threats. He's fretting over being seen as ordinary. Because let’s be honest: without the earpieces and tailored agents in black, he's just another ex-employee with a podcast deal and unresolved family issues.

The quest for security is no longer about actual protection.....it's a costume change in the theatre of public relevance.

Modern power doesn’t wear a crown or swing a sword anymore. It wears Ray-Bans, carries a discreet Glock, and says nothing at all. The silent man in black behind the celebrity doesn’t just guard the body, he guards the illusion.

Throughout history, rulers, prophets, and egotists have known this well. From Gaddafi’s high-heeled Amazonian Guard to the Vatican’s Renaissance courtesy of the Swiss Guard, power has always played dress-up. The guards were never just for guarding. They were pageantry, projection, and propaganda.

North Korea has more choreography than a Broadway revival, with rings of bodyguards twirling around the Supreme Leader like paranoid synchronised swimmers. Russia's Kremlin Regiment mixes Tsarist swagger with Soviet chic, reminding viewers that no matter who's on the throne, the boots still shine and the rifles still click.

Even America's Secret Service - less flair, more stare - carries the weight of symbolism. Those suits don’t just fit well. They fit the myth. Even when closed down by a sloping roof and beaten by a caring God. 

So why shouldn’t Harry want in on the act?

After all, he’s been raised on the stage of royalty. Ceremonial guards were practically his nannies. Without a phalanx of solemn-faced protectors, he risks looking....well...normal. And what could be more horrifying for a man whose entire brand hinges on escaping privilege while never really letting it go?

What Harry wants isn’t safety. It’s significance. The guard is not a shield; it’s a mirror. And what Harry sees without it is a version of himself he doesn't quite recognise: unguarded, un-anointed, and, worst of all, unremarkable.

But take heart, dear reader. In this era of curated insecurity, we can all learn something from our formerly royal friend: when the cameras fade, and the guards are gone, all that’s left is the man. and whatever performance he’s still desperately clinging to.

The Men in Black are perfect for Harry’s security detail. Not only are they discreet, sharp-dressed, and emotionally unavailable (a must in high-stress royal drama), but they’ve got intergalactic experience dealing with aliens and strange weirdos.

Paparazzi drones? Zapped. Public meltdowns? Neuralyzed.

So next time you see a man in sunglasses whispering into his sleeve behind a C-list royal, don’t be alarmed. He’s not protecting a prince. He’s preserving a brand.

Stay safe. Or at least, look like it.

Imagine it now:Agent H ... formerly known as Prince – flanked by Agents J and K. No more arguments with King Charles, just interdimensional diplomacy. No more royal protocol, just “you never saw this.”

Plus, in keeping with his “I want privacy” mantra, the Men in Black could simply erase the public’s memory of the Sussexes altogether...now that’s security.

— Candy McBuckbuckhouse, dodging spotlights and sipping lukewarm espresso behind a plant near the Sussexes' Montecito fence.