Patriot Realm

All you leftie luvvie Trump hating Americans who promised to leave America and head to Australia, think again.

If you’ve got visions of kangaroos hopping beside sandy beaches, just know: the Land Down Under is nothing like the cute, cuddly postcard you’re imagining.

Forget Finding Nemo - think Jaws meets Jurassic Park, with a little Arachnophobia thrown in for good measure. If you want to avoid permanent trauma, here’s why Australia is one trip best left un-booked.

OK... you’re an American dreaming of life Down Under - imagining sunny beaches, cuddly kangaroos, and friendly Aussies saying “G’day, mate.” Hate to break it to you, but Australia isn’t just a laid-back paradise; it’s a land where every plant, animal, and even the weather seems dedicated to testing your survival skills.

Before you book that one-way ticket, here’s a helpful reminder that moving to Australia could be the wildest (and most terrifying) experience of your life. Buckle up, mate - you’re in for a true-blue Aussie reality check.

Giant cockroaches ( or cockies as they are called ) are a fact of life. When they grow their wings, they can be particularly unsettling, especially at 1 am when you get up for a bathroom run and are half asleep and they are like a dog fight over Midway Island. 

And that isn't to mention the flies. 

Geckos are cute little lizards that live in our houses and are marvellous for eating the flies that plague our land. But they chatter and squeak and sound very much like rats which can be a worry for newcomers. 

If you think you’ll just slide in with your American accent and make friends, brace yourself.  We  Australians seem to be operating on an inside joke where everything sounds familiar but actually means something totally incomprehensible.

And watch out if we call you “mate.” That could mean you’re our best friend…or we’re seconds away from punching you in the face.

Did you know that Australia is basically Nature’s “Try Not to Die” theme park? It’s like we got together and decided to collect the world’s deadliest creatures for one big convention, and if you visit, you’re the guest of honour. 

Meet the Huntsman spider. You might find it on your ceiling, or perhaps in your shoe, waiting for you to get too comfortable. Good luck sleeping after you see one...especially when you find out they jump.

And they can jump. And they are big. And NEVER spray them with fly spray because they tend to leap tall buildings in multiple bounds. 

Oh, who could forget the Redback? That is a nasty little bugger if ever there was one. A small spider that loves dark places like wardrobes and under toilet seats. Oh, and ants. Green ants and fire ants are very wicked. Intensely painful if you encounter one of them or worse, a nest in your garden. 

Sydney is home to the funnel web spider and it makes the redback look rather like a member of Greenpeace. 

If you think snakes only slither in jungles, Australia’s here to prove you wrong. They’re in backyards, parks, swimming pools - even toilets. Yes, you read that right. Look before you sit, unless you want an encounter that’ll change your life forever. ( See redback spider above.) 

Australia’s waters are a full contact sport. Great white sharks are regulars at the beach, and the Northern Territory’s rivers are home to saltwater crocodiles who won’t just ruin your swim.....they’ll end it. 

Not to mention the box jellyfish, which can kill you in a matter of minutes with its invisible stingers. But sure, go for a dip - what’s the worst that could happen? In fact, most beaches in the north of Australia are closed to swimmers because it is too dangerous.

And did I mention the Irukandji Jellyfish?   It must have slipped my mind. It's tiny, almost invisible and one of the most dangerous creatures on earth. Just wait until you see the havoc it causes. And this little monster is one of ours. It spends the summer months in the warm tropical waters up north. Now, if that word Irukandji means nothing to you, you're not alone. Not only is this the most venomous Aussie of them all, it's one of those great scientific mysteries. It's also one of our best kept secrets. Hardly a tourist attraction, and certainly not the kind the tourist industry wants to see on national television or on American Democrat websites offering airfares to Trump Derangement Syndrome sufferers.

And that is aside from the crocodiles.

Wear shoes in some places when in the water: the stonefish is a very nasty little chap who, if stood on, can kill you. 

Cane toads are another delight. Their skin is highly toxic and can kill. Many beloved cats and dogs have perished due to tangling with a toad.  

Australia’s climate can be best described as “trying to cook you.” Summers reach over 110°F (or 45°C, if you want to be extra confused). But don’t expect the locals to be sympathetic. We’ll just shrug and say it’s a “bit warm,” all while you’re turning into a human puddle. And don't bank on air conditioning.

Our woke left government has left us with an unreliable and hugely expensive power supply that can't keep up with the flood of migrants and the destruction of base load power to save the planet.

Stuff the population. 

Then there’s the Outback, the vast, arid wasteland where your GPS won’t save you, and neither will your sunscreen. Here, even the plants are covered in spikes, and if you don’t bring enough water, well… let’s just say you’ll be “dry as a dead dingo’s donga” in no time (translation: parched beyond belief).

Every nation has its unique flavours, but Australian cuisine feels like a practical joke we’ve managed to turn into a national identity. Vegemite.  We Australians claim it’s delicious, but it looks, smells, and tastes like salty asphalt. ( I personally love it and eat it on toast every day.. ) We’ll even try to trick you into liking it by saying, “Just a thin layer on toast.”  Then we will laugh as we see your face screw up and think it is a great joke.  If you’re uncomfortable seeing Skippy the Kangaroo in both cartoon form and on a plate, stay away from Aussie barbecues. And somehow, we’re okay with cooking up the animal on our national coat of arms. Good luck trying to get out of that one politely.

We aren't allowed guns but we have been fairly quick to adapt.  Oh,  and we also drive on the other side of the road and have lots of things called roundabouts which are great fun for the newbie. Still you can probably afford a chauffeur so no worries there. 

Australia does have national holidays, but they’re not what you’d expect. Sure, we have Christmas and New Year’s, but it’s the Melbourne Cup that really stands out. This is a horse race with such fanatical following that we’ve actually made it a public holiday in Victoria. And this isn’t your Kentucky Derby-style classy day at the races; by the end of it, half the spectators are sunburned, barefoot, and way too drunk to even know which horse won.

And speaking of drinking, Australia’s unofficial national pastime is drinking as much beer as possible while remaining “functional.” Think you can keep up? Think again. The locals consider American beer to be a joke, so prepare to be handed something called a “slab” and told to drink up - if you want to “prove your mettle.”

Australians are friendly, but we also won’t sugarcoat anything. If we think your outfit is weird, we’ll say it. If we think you’re being ridiculous, we’ll let you know. And our favourite way to greet you is with a phrase that sounds welcoming but can have ominous undertones: “How ya going?” 

If you start explaining how you’re actually “going,” you’ll just get a confused look, because we didn’t actually mean it..we were just saying “hi.” And don’t expect to be called “sir” or “ma’am.” You’re a “mate” at best and a “MATE” at worst. ( It's all in the tone. )  Get used to being told to piss off, bugger off and f##k off. But don't be offended. It's just us. 

I almost forgot to mention Drop Bears. You may be so busy avoiding snakes, spiders and scorpions at ground level, but don't forget to look above as well.  They can be as mad as a cassowary ( a giant bird with talons as long as long as an Oscar's acceptance speech ) and are often mistaken for the more placid and chilled Koala Bear. 

Sure, you could hide out in your Airbnb or hotel room and wait out your time in Australia. But here’s the catch: Australia’s dangers have no borders. Your Airbnb? Might have a resident Huntsman spider. Your bathroom? Perfect hiding spot for a snake. Even your shoes aren’t safe - they’re prime real estate for scorpions.  Think the cities are safer? They might be - except for the magpies. These black-and-white birds become airborne psychopaths during spring, swooping down on anyone who dares to walk outside. Their “swooping season” is famous, and locals wear helmets with googly eyes on the back to avoid becoming a magpie’s target.

Still think you can handle it? Remember, Australia’s motto could easily be “Only the Strong Survive.” So if you’re feeling bold, come down under.  But don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Personally, if I were you, I'd stick with Trump.