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I nearly got shot a few years ago - not by a gun but by a shower head on the rampage. And I can tell you it was one very angry showerhead. Here is my story of how I nearly died  - Death by Showerhead.

It was a spring morning and I had stripped off and stepped in. I had noticed, over the past few months that I had to turn the taps on more than I previously did. I stood under the dribble that was coming out of the shower rose and thought to myself that even my shower was depressed. After all, there is not much to be cheerful about these days and it is not to be unexpected that even household appliances and fixtures and fittings could be suffering from the misery of recent years. 

Given that I am a fairly straight forward sort of gal, I told my shower to snap out of it and stop being such a drip. I felt that perhaps it needed a stern talking to and a bit of a scrub, so I bent down to pick up the scourer I had on the shower floor. I was about to give it a good stiff talking to, when.....


At that precise moment , the shower fixture flew off the wall and hit the opposing wall, about 5 feet away. Had I not been bending down to retrieve said scourer I could have been impaled, or, at the very least, in need of serious sympathy and a good lie down. 

I stood up, turned the taps off and exited that shower cubicle faster than a Leftie heading to a climate change protest.

All soaped up and no place to go, I completed my ablutions with a washcloth and a bucket of water and headed to the computer to type in “ plumber my area now “

20 hours later a gentleman turned up at my door, new fixture in hand and within 20 minutes I had a new shower nozzle installed.

The plumber, a wise man of mature years and abundant knowledge of all things plumbing told me that my shower head had a build-up of calcium and lime scale and that I had been a rather lucky lady.  He told me that all I had to do was use vinegar on my showerhead and that my life would be spared in years to come.

We laughed at the thought of Death by Showerhead and we both agreed that plumbers are very good chaps and of far greater worth than Graduates of Gender Studies.

I have just had a shower and the water fell like a rainstorm and I stood under that steaming embrace of water and realised that it had been a long time since I had felt that joy.

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How subtle it was that I never noticed the flow reduce to a trickle.

Now, I hate man buns and beards and soy boys. Thank goodness, I got a good old fashioned BLOKE to fix my shower. Can you imagine if this waltzed up? . Can you imagine if this stood outside my home that morning? Seriously? 

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Hi my name is Simon and I have come to have a therapy session with your shower head. 

I think you can imagine what Shaydee would have said to Simon and we could have taken bets on how fast Simon could run. 

But, anyway, back to my story. 

Our lives are like my shower. We stand there, every day, not realising that each day the flow of joy is getting smaller and smaller. The change is subtle and barely perceivable.

Until, one day, we are hit by what we have ceased to notice: the flow is being turned off. And our lack of attention to the build up of grime and filth has clogged our alert mechanisms and we haven’t even noticed.

What can we do to neutralise this build up and start to cleanse ourselves?

We need more plumbers. Less experts in gender studies.

Because, when things are crook and I was in need of help, I did not do a search for a Graduate in Gender Studies to fix my plumbing.

I wanted a plumber. And I got a good bloke . A real bloke.

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Can we please start looking for plumbers to fix the build up of crap in our lives and let the plumbers do their jobs?

Otherwise we will all be shot down. By a flying shower head that no one even saw coming.

Who will tell us to duck at the right time? And even if we duck, will that simply mean that we are on our knees and vulnerable?

What, or who, is our vinegar?

I believe that our Governments are banning vinegar. In a metaphoric sense.

That thing, that person or group of people who can neutralise this global anger and hate.

For myself, I will do not wish to kneel under the drizzle of  Socialism.

This little Aussie thinks that our Government is crap and I have lost all trust - time to duck and watch yourself in the shower.

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