Most people in Australia know what a feral pig is. They are a major pest and they pose an enormous threat to our agricultural industry because they destroy crops and pasture and they spread weeds and disease. They prey on our livestock. 

We have a feral pig outbreak unlike any other in the history of our great Nation. Because they are in our cities and urban environments and they are somehow able to do their damage by remote control while safely gobbling at a trough in Canberra and our State capital cities.

But, for one day only, there is a chance to cull the herd and it is the 21st of May. 

Pigs were historically domestic animals who escaped domesticity and changed into creatures consumed by the need for their own survival. All they think of is where their next trough of food is coming from and, if left unculled, create havoc wherever they go. 

Pigs were brought from Europe to Australia by the First Fleet in 1788. Imported as livestock, pigs soon escaped and established wild populations that have expanded over time.

There is however a new breed of feral pig and it is now being referred to as the Parliamentary Pig. It differs from its ancestors in that it is highly intelligent in all matters that relate to its survival, but lacks a brain synapse that gives it the ability to reason and think logically.

Professor F Loghorn, founder of The Leghorn Institute for Commonsense said recently " this new breed of feral pig is more dangerous than people realise " He continued " It has adapted to urban places and can roam about undetected and under the radar.  It poses the greatest threat to Australians and their futures than any feral pig that has gone before. "

He went on to explain that this Parliamentary Pig is being treated as a protected species and, unless dealt with now, will eradicate the livelihoods of thousands of farmers and city dwellers alike. Professor F Loghorn explained that if left to breed, it will eradicate the entire Australian way of life.

" It is that serious  And we must not forget the role that the noxious Woke Weed is inflicting upon our landscapes," he said. The weed that is being spread at the fastest rate is the noxious " Woke Weed " which was not seen in Australia until recent years.  He said that " The Woke Weed feeds on its host and eventually bleeds it of all life-sustaining energy and nourishment. The only creature in Australia that has a natural immunity to this weed is the Parliamentary Pig. " 

He explained  " They have an inbuilt woke a meter which overrides the natural defense mechanism to detect a damaging invader - much like the immune response to ignoring the invasion of cancer cells to the human body. " 

If we are to get on top of the invasion of the feral pigs and the weeds, surely we must launch a National campaign to eradicate both - or - at the very least, cull them both and bring them back under control.

Professor Leghorn concluded by saying that "  Australia is facing the greatest threat since Federation. The Feral Pigs are changing and becoming unique to the State that they live in. Even the Canberra trough pigs are confused and do not know quite where their super spreader feral brethren are heading. Unless the food supply is cut off, I am gravely concerned that the Canberra Pigs will simply feed at the trough and die through old age and being bred out. When sub breeds overtake their breeders, who knows where this will end?"

And yes, Professor, I agree. But we cannot ignore the spread of the Woke Weed. Both issues MUST be addressed. And sooner, rather than later. 

We contacted ABC for comment and they declined to comment. Prime Minister Morrison said that he was busy deleting photos of him bringing a lump of coal into Parliament and Mr Albanese said that we should contact the Unions. The State Premiers said that they were too busy eating lunch but they assured us that they had referred the matter to the Transgender and Gay and Lesbian Rights, Black Lives Matter and Mad Fu#cking Witches lobby group for comment.  

In the meantime, there is an opportunity for a major cull. It is open season on 21st of May. 

Professor F Loghorn is a Lecturer at the University of Hard Knocks, Founder of The Leghorn Institute for Commonsense and holds postgraduate degrees in Commonsense, Logic and Patriotism. He is married and lists his hobbies as pig shooting, and gardening. Professor Loghorn is also the author of the bestselling book " Know your Chooks " and the peer-reviewed article entitled " When a fox is in your henhouse it's time to get out your talons. " 

First published 9 March 2021