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Around the world, we are seeing massive amounts of money poured into Box Office Flops. They win Academy Awards and get glowing reviews from the " critics " but strangely enough, no one wants to watch the movie anymore.

We are tired of the nonsense and even the most star gazed observer has realised that it is all about lights, theatre, action and winning the Academy Award for best Actor in the category of politics and health.

In fact, many actors now just repeat the words made famous in other films and claim them as their own. 

In my work as Senior Lecturer at the Flysa Institute of Theatrical Studies, I teach my students about the importance of being earnest and how even the most seasoned politician can fall into the trap of releasing a remake of a classic without considering the repercussions of such a decision.

Anthony Albanese,a few years back when Tony Abbott was Prime Minister, was accused of plagiarising words from The American President in an address to the National Press Club.

I could not help but think about what would happen if Morrison loses the next election and Albanese is elected Prime Minister. We could see some amazing lines and great quotes that could endure for many years to come. Even if the apparent parroting was not all one big coincidence, I fail to see anything wrong (Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn). But just imagine the exchange, should Tony have walked in during the speech and how Albanese delivered some extraordinary pearls of wisdom, should he have chosen to seek the expertise of Hollywood Script Writers.

Albo says to himself Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, he walks into mine.He gives Tony a hard look and asks “What in heaven's name brought you to the National Press Club?

Tony doesn’t miss a beat: My health. I came to the Press Club for the waters.”

Albo replies disbelieving: “The waters? What waters? We're in the intellectual desert.”

Tony shrugs: “I was misinformed.”

Albo asks sadly: “You despise me, don't you?”

Tony responds : “If I gave you any thought I probably would.”

Albo looks appealing at Tony:“You know, Tony, I have many a friend in Canberra, but somehow, just because you despise me, you are the only one I trust.”

Albo then looks languishingly at Tony and laments " I remember the last time we met at the Press Club. "  Tony replies " How nice. You remembered. "

Albanese's mood suddenly changes, as he remembers the speech just delivered. 

Albo snorts and replies aggressively: “You talkin’ to me?”

 

 Tony gets up to leave: “Hasta la vista, baby.”

Albo shouts back as Tony makes to leave  “You don't understand! I could’a had class. I could'a been a contender. I could'a been somebody., instead of a bum, which is what I am.”

 

Tony is unforgiving: “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”

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Albo decides to toughen up but it is too late. Tony Abbott has gotten angry. Tony approaches the door and turns. 

Tony defiantly announces:

“I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!”

 

 

 

Tony steps closer to Albo and grabs his shoulder: “You've got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do you feel lucky?’Well, do ya, punk?”

 

Albo responds:“Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape.”

Tony is merciless:“I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!”

Albo asks:“Who’s on first?”

 

Tony commands: “Round up the usual suspects!”

Bill Shorten stands up and manages to get in a word edgewise: “Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night.” 

Albo says that all he wants is the truth.

Tony shouts:“You can't handle the truth!”

 

 

Albo is completely unfazed: “A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”

Bill promptly resumes his seat and is heard from no more.

Scott Morrison stands up and tries to calm things down: “Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the National Press Gallery!”

Albo replies “Well, nobody's perfect.”

Tony is less apologetic “Nobody puts Tony in a corner.”

 

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Albo climbs onto the lectern spreads his arms, and shouts to the crowd “I'm the king of the world!” 

Tony decides to encourage Albo. “Play it, Albo. Play “As Time Goes By.”  

Albo accepts the olive branch, climbs down from the lectern and offers his hand to Tony: “Here's looking at you, kid.”

Tony respond magnanimously: “May the Force be with you.”

As they walk out of the room together, Albo says:“Tony, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Tony turns around at the door and gives his farewell to the National Press Club: “I'll be back!”

 

They decide to head off to Casablanca and look for transport.  Albo shouts up the road: “Bring on the empty horses.”

Passers-by crack up laughing, causing Albo to respond with chagrin: “You people, you think I know fuck nothing; I tell you: I know fuck all.”

They depart singing in unison, heading for Casablanca on a passing Ubercamel which they manage to flag down.

But somewhere I cannot help but think that this is what Tony was thinking while he was being lambasted on the road to Australia.

As he rode off figuratively into the sunset and left the rest of them to fight it out, perhaps his legacy was to ask us to:

Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary.”  

We now have two competing lead stars ( Albo and Scomo ) with supporting actors in the form of our Premiers and,  all the while, nothing is left except the theatre, the lights, the fanfare and the lack of a hero. 

Every good movie needs a hero. 

Auditions are being held at the moment. 

 

Brought to you by The Flysa Institute of Theatrical Studies.

 

 

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