Irish diplomacy is the ability to tell a man to go to hell so that he looks forward to making the trip.
The play was a great success but the audience was a disaster.
― Oscar Wilde
What's the difference between Jesus and Donald Trump? Jesus was only crucified once.
As my old Gran used to say " taking advice from a politician is like taking poison and then moaning later when you get the trots. "
Beware of online scammer sites.
I took the bait and rose to the scam.
I ordered my wife a bunch of flowers for Valentines Day.
Instead they delivered a fishing rod.
So I said to the waitress: "What’s the duck like?”
She said "Like a chicken, but it can swim”.
My Gran used to have a tot every night. She would sit there and I would say to her " Gran why do you drink whiskey and I have to drink milk? "
Gran would sit and reply " whiskey doesn't solve any problems. But then again, neither does milk. Suck it up lad. We're both fooked. "
Murphy decided to leave Ireland. He just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
I'm in trouble with the wife again this afternoon. She told me to go down to the shops and get a liter of milk. She said if there were eggs, get 6. So off I went.
I just got back home and she told me off. I got 6 liters of milk.
" Paddy, why did you get 6 liters of milk for fooks sake? "
I replied " well, they had eggs so I did as you asked and got 6. "
Women. Never fookin happy.
I went to the Doc’s today. And said, “do you treat alcoholics”, The Dr replied, “of course we do”………I said, “great, get your coat on; I’m fookin skint.
Kelly and Murphy are on a cruise.
Murphy says It’s awfully quiet on deck tonight.
Kelly says, Sure, everyone is probably watching the band.”
Murphy says, There isn’t a band playing tonight.
Kelly says, But I definitely heard some fecker say
" A band on ship "
I just got a phone call from the airport. My old Irish Aunt had arrived in the airport terminal and she had tears streaming down her cheeks. An airline employee asked whether she was already homesick.
“No, I’ve lost all my luggage!”
“How’d that happen?”
“The cork fell out.”
I remember last year when I was hyped up on pints and patriotism after celebrating St. Patrick’s Day.
I took a bus home. Amazing what a touch of the green magic can do – I’d never driven a bus in my life
Then there was the Irishman who sued his local baker for forging his signature on hot cross buns.
Did you hear about the fella from Ireland that was born with two left feet?
He went out the other day and bought some Flip Flips.”
I'll never forget the day I asked my wife to marry me. She seemed reluctant.
“Why won’t you marry me?” I asked her. “There isn’t anyone else, is there?”
“Oh, Paddy,” she sighed, “There must be!”
A few years before we got married I got down on one knee and said to my ( then ) girlfriend),
“Sweet darlin' , I want to tell you something. “I’m not rich like Mick. I’m not a professional athlete like Danny. I’m not a famous surgeon like Martin. But I do love you, and I want to marry you.”
She replied, “Oh, Paddy, I love you too! What was that you said about Mick?”
A married couple goes to a nightclub. There’s a man on the dance floor giving it all the moves – moonwalking, backflipping, everything.
The wife says to her husband, “Do you know that man proposed to me 25 years ago, and I turned him down.”
Her husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!”
A fire burned down the Murphy’s barn.
While Farmer Murphy was out surveying the wreckage, Mrs Murphy called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, which was the amount of insurance on the barn.
“We don’t actually give you the money,” the insurance company official explained. “We replace the item that was insured.”
Mrs Murphy exclaimed, “Goodness! In that case, please cancel the policy I have on my husband.”
My friend Murphy told me that his wife was driving him to drink, but I think he's lucky because my wife makes me walk.
I was at a wedding a few decades ago. My little boy asked me “Why does the woman wear white?”
“The bride is in white because she’s happy, and this is the happiest day of her life.” I said.
My son thought about this and then asked, “Well then, why is the man wearing black?”
When we were going to the wedding I told you about earlier, I was getting fookin mad because we were running late and I shouted upstairs to my wife, “Hurry up, or we’ll be late.”
“Oh, be quiet,” replied my wife. “Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a minute?”
"Is that the Ballycashel Echo?" asks Mick.
"How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?"
"Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?"
"A ten-foot ladder," said Mick before slamming the phone down.
A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.
He says: “So what’s bothering you?”
She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
"Certainly father," she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
Gerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day.
One day Mr Connors is on his walk without the dog.
His pal Billy sees him and asks: "Where is your dog?"
Mr Murphy answers: "I had to have him put down."
"Was he mad?" asks Billy.
"He wasn't too pleased," Mr Murphy replies.
An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"
The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."
The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"
Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his OWN obituary.
In a panic, he phones his friend and asks: "Did you see the paper?! They say I died!"
The friend replies: "Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling from?"
I tried tap dancing once. The wife told me to get off the bench and dry the fookin dishes.
Murphy took his wife up for a joy flight.
The pilot was offering a free flight to anyone who would stay quiet while he did loop the loops in the small plane. If they screamed it would cost $50.
Well, Murphy and his wife climbed on board and the pilot did his worst to complete silence from the back of the plane.
- Finally, he landed and he complimented Murphy on the two-way radio for staying quiet.
“Ah now, I nearly shouted when the wife fell out," Murphy replied.
A horse sits down in a movie theater and the woman next to him asks, “Excuse me… are you a horse?”
“Why yes, I am,” replies the horse.
“What are you doing at this movie?”
The horse says, “I really liked the book.”
I am reminded me of a thing old Murphy said once, in the pub many years ago.
He said " You know, Paddy, what the definition of a metallurgist is? "
I said No.
" Tell me, I replied, as I drank another Guinness.
He said " someone who can tell the difference between a platinum blonde and a common ore."
Murphy was a wise man like that.
“Doctor, I think I’m a bit hard of hearing”. The doctor replies “Can you describe the symptoms?” I said “Sure. Marge has blue hair, Homer is fat and bald”.
My wife parked in the hospital car park when she took me there. The attendant came up and said “this is for badge holders only”.So I said to him “but I’ve got a bad shoulder…”
While I was in hospital, the dermatologist lost his job due to making multiple rash decisions.
What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Southern zoo?
The Yankee zoo will have the name of the animal and its Latin name. The Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.
My wife put on a sexy officer outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed. After a short trial, I was found not guilty.
I keep thinking about the iolence all over the world and the banks collpasing and it got me to thinking.
The last time banks lost this much money in one day they were being robbed by the IRA.
“MI5 has increased the threat to Northern Ireland from Northern Ireland Related Terrorism from ‘SUBSTANTIAL’ (an attack is likely) to ‘SEVERE’ (an attack is highly likely)”.
He warned that “The public should remain vigilant, but not be alarmed, and continue to report any concerns they have to the Police Service of Northern Ireland”.
The reason? Could it possibly have anything to do with the visit from Joe Biden in the next few weeks?
I hate to speak ill of the (brain ) dead, but you never know. I might just buy a lottery ticket.
With all these exploding EV buses maybe we should put Sinn Féin in charge of public transport. This would ensure a five minute warning is issued before they blow up a bus. A ‘sniper at work sign’ would appear at all traffic lights to deter motorists from breaking red lights,
Just a thought I had this morning.
Murphy got pulled over and his cigarette was in his cup holder.
The cop said: "You know, the news says those things are killing people."
Murphy, quick as a flash replied: "They're saying the same thing about you guys."
He didn't laugh.
"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"
"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"
Murphy got arrested. " I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."
Cop: "But you 're the lawyer, Murphy."
Murphy: "Exactly, so where's my fookin present?"
This reminds me of the time one of the Murphy twins went fishing.
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the pub.
Murphy stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' replied Murphy.
'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited Murphy to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth.' said Murphy
Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.
Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.
One of them pull out the lamp and rubs it, and lo and behold, a genie pops out!
"Will ye grant us tree wishes mister?" the Irishman pleads.
"I'd love ta, but this old genie's barely enough for just the one. So wish carefully."
Quickly, one of the men calls out, "I wish the ocean'd turn ta Guinness!!"
"Consider it done." The genie and the lamp disappear, and the entire ocean changes from water to beer.
The second Irishman looks at the first, stunned, then finally manages, "Ya fookin' idiot! Now we have ta pee in the boat!"
Seamus and Murphy both loved to fish and were out fishing one day.
A funeral service passes over the bridge they’re fishing by, and Seamus takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does this until the funeral service passes by.
Murphy said, “Gee, Seamus, I didn’t know you had it in you!” Seamus replied, “It’s the least I could do. After all, I was married to her for 30 years.”
This one is so bad I cannot even bring myself to put it up as a real comment but it only seems fair I give it a try.
A monastery is in financial trouble, so it goes into the fish-and-chips business to raise money.
One night a customer knocks on its door. A monk answers.
The customer asks, “Are you the fish friar?” “No,” he replies. “I’m the chip monk.”
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all take a seat and order a cup of tea. “Could you pass the honey, honey?” the Englishman asks his wife. The Scottish man thinks to himself, “How brilliant was that?” and turns to his wife, “Could you pass the sugar, sugar?” Not wanting to be outwitted by the other two men, the Irishman turns to his wife and says, “Could you pass me the milk ye fookin cow?”
A man walks into the records office and asks to change his name.
The clerk is not keen on helping but asks the man's name and the man replies "My name is Adolf Stinkfoot."
The clerk is sympathetic and decides to allow the man to change his unfortunate name. "What do you want to change it to?" asks the clerk, the man replies "Maurice Stinkfoot."
Two Irish fleas were taking a walk after going to the Sunday flea market.
It started to rain.
One flea said to the other " Shall we keep walking or take a dog? "
An Irishman and his son walk into a zoo.
One of the signs says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age.”
The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps its foot 6 times.
“Wow,” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!”
The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun. A moment later the elephant farts and stomps twice.
“Bajaysus that’s right,” said the father, “I am farty two!”
When I first came to Australia the Customs man asked about my criminal history.
I was confused, and replied, “Oh, is that still required then?”
I always remember the time that Murphy's wife told him to leave.
She got so mad at Murphy that she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
Murphy's like that.
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What was that all about?”
Murphy caught a taxi one day.
He tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Fook, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"
Murphy apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
Something to think about for the rainbow flag community.
Patient: "Doc, my bum hurts..."
Doctor: "Where specifically does it hurt?"
Patient: "Right around the entrance."
Doctor: "Yeah well that's the exit. As long as you think it's an entrance, it'll continue to hurt."
During a recent password audit, it was found that AOC was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Current Australian politics. Everything is on the next never never plan. Submarines, net zero, hydrogen power, green utopia.
A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."
It reminds me of when Seamus was on a cruise. The ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.
“Captain,” Seamus asks, “who is that man over there?”
“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”
Murphy and his wife are at a restaurant, and his wife keeps staring at an old drunken man swigging his gin at a nearby table.
Murphy asks his wife, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," sighs his wife. "He's my ex-husband. He took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says Murphy "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Ireland's oldest woman turned 114 today.
That's a lie by the way but it makes a good intro to the story.
When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.
I had to go to the Doctor for a checkup Frank.
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
I was at a lecture today.
It was all about language.
"In English," the lecturer said "A double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
I was sitting at the back of the room and yelled , "Yeah, right."
While I was out I went to the supermarket.
I had my list. Mrs Paddy wanted me to buy a cucumber. I reached for the most enormous cucumber in the shop when this tall sexy looking blonde also went to grab it. I grabbed it back.
“You’ve got me”, she giggled, “Do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?” “No thanks,” I said “I’ve got better things to do with my time than be standing around watching a woman make sandwiches.”
Women.
“Sheamus nipped into his local pub on the way back home from a visit to the doctor. ‘What’s the craic?’ Martin asks when he sees the worried look on Sheamus’s face.
‘I haven’t been feeling myself lately’, Sheamus replied. ‘That’s good’ says Martin. ‘Sure you’d be arrested for less!'”
Apparently, asking a dwarf why he isn’t wearing his leprechaun costume was offensive. I have to do 3 hours of sensitivity training.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking part in a survey about tea-drinking habits.
'I always stir my tea with my left hand,' said The Englishman.
'I always stir my tea with my right hand,' said The Scotsman.
How about you?' the Irishman was asked.
'Oh me?' said the Irishman, 'I always use a spoon.'