The PR Blog

I have been asked to revisit a story published by the Dusty Gulch Gazette in January 2025.

I should make one thing clear before I proceed.

I did not write it.

At the time, I had not yet joined the Gazette staff. My whiskers were elsewhere, my investigative notebook was still empty, and nobody had yet entrusted me with a gold tooth from a goat dentist.

The article was written by Shaydee Lane, who now works in our Human Interest section and concentrates on nostalgia, memories and matters considerably less likely to involve international security arrangements.

Having read the original article again, I believe this was a wise career move.

The January story announced that America had bought Greenland and was preparing to rebrand it as Orangeland.

I have now compared that report with what happened next.

The recent announcement from President Trump is clear. 

I am obliged to report that Shaydee got some of it wrong.

America has not purchased Greenland.

Greenland remains Greenland. Denmark remains the sovereign state of the Kingdom of Denmark, and Greenland retains its self-government and right to determine its political future. The icebergs have not been renamed.

Yet.

Instead, President Donald Trump announced on Friday via Truth Social that the United States has entered into an agreement with Denmark and Greenland giving America permanent control over security, and “all other needs”, in Greenland.

He called it an “Infinite Life” agreement.

No end. No expiry date.

I have checked that phrase several times.

It remains there.

The precise legal machinery behind the arrangement is still being clarified, but the announcement comes after negotiations over expanding the American military presence in Greenland and preventing hostile foreign military or sensitive investment activity there.

So.

Not ownership. Permanent security control. This is an important distinction. I have written it down.

ORANGELAND REMAINS UNOFFICIAL

The proposed rebranding has been considerably less successful.

Orangeland remains unofficial.

There has been no announcement that Nuuk is to become Orangeberg.

No tangerine flag has been raised over Greenland.

No ice-cube stars have been added to the Danish flag.

I checked.

The existing red-and-white Nordic cross appears to be surviving the latest negotiations quite comfortably.

I am relieved.

It would have been difficult to repaint an iceberg.

Although I know people in Dusty Gulch who would have had a go.

Instead, the orange theme has been quietly retained in the realm of strategic imagination.

There is, apparently, no reason why a large American presence in the Arctic cannot eventually acquire a few orange accents.

Hangars, perhaps. Warning signs. A coffee cup.

Possibly a very large one.

THE GOLDEN DOME GOES NORTH?

Shaydee's original article also wandered into the territory of American military expansion, although at the time she was principally concerned with orange paint and the general commercial opportunities presented by owning an enormous frozen island.

The current situation is rather more serious.

The United States already operates Pituffik Space Base in Greenland, and the new announcement is connected with plans for a larger American military presence there.

There has also been discussion of missile defence and other strategic infrastructure.

I am leaving the exact shade of orange off the planning documents until further notice.

AMERICAN ENTERPRISE ARRIVES

Shaydee predicted that American enterprise would not be far behind.

On this point, I feel obliged to defend her.

I have seen concept art suggesting that an Ice-Mart Express could sit conveniently beside an expanded Arctic installation.

There is also considerable scope for a visitor centre.

I have tentatively suggested:

THE TRUMP ARCTIC SECURITY EXPERIENCE

Visitors could enjoy ice golf, polar-bear observation decks and a gift shop selling:

I SURVIVED THE INFINITE LIFE AGREEMENT hoodies.

I have not yet received approval for this proposal.

I suspect the goat has something to do with it.

A Floridian developer has also reportedly expressed interest in heated walkways.

His reasoning was that American personnel should not have to look at all that white. Because that could be racist. 

I have no further comment.

MUSK, GLACIERS AND OTHER UNFINISHED BUSINESS

Shaydee's 2025 report was particularly enthusiastic about Elon Musk.

Hyperloops were mentioned. Solar igloos were mentioned. An Arctic Tesla fleet was considered entirely possible.

So far, I have found no evidence of a Tesla being driven across Greenland.

I have also found no evidence that a polar bear has been issued a Starlink account.

This may be temporary.

Starlink coverage in the Arctic is, of course, considerably less fanciful than it sounded in a Dusty Gulch satire of 2025.

But I have yet to see confirmation of Shaydee's proposed scheme whereby every polar bear receives high-speed internet by 2027.

I shall keep an eye on it.

Polar bears are difficult to interview.

ITEMS STILL ON THE SATIRICAL BACKLOG

There are, fortunately, some things that have not happened.

Former President Biden has not delivered a snowplough address.

Klaus Schwab has not projected himself onto an iceberg to announce a Great Reset holiday destination for the ultra-wealthy.

Congress has not, to my knowledge, scheduled a hearing concerning polar-bear citizenship.

No furry freedom ambassador has yet presented credentials to the White House.

I consider this encouraging. The Gazette's satirical backlog therefore remains intact.

The original satire therefore requires only a little editing.

Very little.

One simply changes:

“America buys Greenland and rebrands it Orangeland”

to:

“America does not buy Greenland but obtains an Infinite Life security arrangement with optional orange trim.”

I have made the correction in pencil. I have not altered the original article. That would be bad journalism. Besides, Shaydee still works here.

THE FINAL QUESTION

There remains the matter of Nuuk.

Will anyone actually attempt to rename it Orangeberg?

Will the first new American installation contain a tanning salon?

Will Musk's penguins eventually receive security clearances?

Will the Ice-Mart Express offer a loyalty card?

And, most importantly, will anyone remember that Greenland was never actually sold?

I have no answers yet.

My whiskers are still growing back after my brave contribution at McFookit Peak to keep Whiskers Dynamic Propulsion operating.

My gold tooth, supplied by a goat dentist, remains commendably secure.

My investigative instincts remain, in my professional opinion, quite serviceable.

I shall therefore continue watching.

For the moment, Greenland remains Greenland.

The ice remains white.

The flag remains red and white.

The penguins remain ineligible for Social Security.

And somewhere in the archives, Shaydee's January 2025 headline is still waiting patiently for someone to explain why it turned out to be both completely wrong and rather uncomfortably close to the truth.

I shall leave that matter with the editor.

Who, fortunately, is not me.