THE GREAT MULBERRY VACCINATION SCANDAL

A Ratty News investigation by Roderick “Whiskers” McNibble

I knew Dusty Gulch was in trouble when Dusty McFookit started counting his mulberries.

There were thousands of them.

And, according to an order issued by the very sinister Prentis Penjani on instructions from Honkland Central, every one of them was required to be vaccinated against Fowl Flu.

The reasoning appeared to be that birds ate mulberries.

I am not a medical rat.

I am, however, a journalist.

And I could see a logistical problem.

“How are you going to get thousands of mulberries to the medical centre?” I asked Dusty.

He had apparently already considered this.

“Minibuses,” he said.

“How many?”

He looked at the mulberries.

“Bloody thousands.”

I made a note.

Mrs McFookit had a better idea.

“Put them in a pie.”

Dusty looked at her.

Then he looked at the mulberries. Then he looked rather worried.

“But what if I eat the pie and get Fowl Flu?”

At that point I decided that Ratty News needed to investigate.

I sent an email to our mailing list asking whether anyone knew anything about goats eating mulberries.

Kiwi Duck replied.

He said he knew a bloke who knew a bloke who knew a goat.

The goat was in New Zealand.

The goat had eaten mulberries.

That was good enough for me.

I chartered a Ratty Airways bi-plane.

ARROWTOWN

I found the goat.

She was older now but still in fine fettle. 

Yes, she remembered the mulberries.

She remembered the birds eating them too.

I asked her whether she had been vaccinated.

She looked at me.

I asked whether the mulberries had been vaccinated.

She looked at me again.

I began to understand that I was asking a goat questions to which she considered the answers self-evident.

She had eaten the mulberries.

She had not become ill.

The birds had eaten them. They had not become ill either.

And there was something else.

Her lips.

They were still faintly red.

I asked her whether she had any advice for Dusty McFookit. She chewed thoughtfully. Then she told me, in the manner of goats everywhere, that there was absolutely no reason to vaccinate a mullerry merely because a bird had eaten one.

She was equally unimpressed by the prospect of vaccinating goats.

Or fowls.

Apparently some politician had simply said it had to be done.

I thanked her for her expert opinion.

I brought her home. She had heard about Dusty Gulch and the famous Gulch mulberries and felt it important to eat some for authenticity you understand. 

DUSTY GULCH

We landed at Dusty Gulch just before dusk.

Mrs McFookit was waiting.

She had made the pie.

A magnificent mulberry pie.

Dusty came out of the Dusty Dingo.

He smelt it. He looked at it. He looked at the rolling pin......

He looked back at the pie.

“Oh, McFook it!”

He grabbed a slice.

I watched carefully.

Nothing happened.

He ate another.

Still nothing.

Within minutes the Dusty Dingo was celebrating.

The mulberry pie went on the menu that evening.

MULBERRY PIE -  SERVED BY OUR NEW BARMAID.

The new barmaid was the goat.

She had mulberry-red lips. In my experience, a cheerful and happy barmaid is a must in a cheerful and happy pub.

Business improved immediately.

By closing time, three things had happened.

Prentis Penjani had stopped talking about vaccinating mulberries.

Dusty McFookit had eaten enough pie to require loosening his belt.

And the Dusty Gulch Emporium had announced a new range of lipstick.

CHERRY LIPS - THE MULBERRY COLLECTION.

The Moonlight Manor Emu Stilt Dancers bought the first batch.

They wore it that very evening.

The colour was a remarkable success.

Nobody could explain why.

But the birds seemed to like it.

I have therefore closed the investigation.

The mulberries remain unvaccinated.

The goat remains healthy.

Dusty remains alive.

The pie remains available.

And Prentis Penjani has learnt an important lesson.

Before issuing a medical order concerning thousands of mulberries, it may be advisable to consult someone who has actually eaten one.

Preferably a goat.

Preferably one with lived experience.

Stay Twitchy out there. 

Roderick “Whiskers” McNibble
Investigative Correspondent
Ratty News