RATTY NEWS FILM REVIEW
Dracula the Emu
No Stakes... No Steaks... No Hope.
Reviewed by Roderick (Whiskers) McNibble, Chief Film Critic, Ratty News
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ (Four Cheese Wheels out of Five)
I have attended many cinematic masterpieces over the years at the Dusty Gulch Drive-In.
I have also attended many films.
Dracula the Emu somehow manages to be both.
The opening scene immediately sets the tone as a terrified stockman sprints across the paddock yelling, "He's behind me, isn't he?"
He is.
Unfortunately, so is his barbecue.
The audience gasped.
Well... Mrs McFookit gasped.
Old Bushie just muttered, "Told him not to use tomato sauce."
From there the story unfolds with all the subtlety of a runaway road train.
The mysterious Dracula the Emu arrives in Dusty Gulch under cover of darkness, wearing an elegant black cape, glowing red eyes and a set of vampire fangs that would make any dentist consider early retirement.
Unlike traditional vampires, however, this one has developed a taste for premium Australian beef.
This immediately creates the central conflict.
Nobody can afford any.
Several brave citizens attempt to defend the township.
Their first mistake is looking for wooden stakes.
Their second mistake is checking the price of T-bone steaks.
By the time everyone has finished comparing supermarket catalogues, Dracula has already eaten three barbecues, one caravan annex and half the bowling club sausage sizzle. And there is the cameo role of a missing sink spanner.
The film's unforgettable slogan
"NO STAKES... NO STEAKS... NO HOPE."
The film received spontaneous applause from the Drive-In audience.
Even Trevor the Wallaby nodded thoughtfully before returning to his bucket of popcorn and paused briefly to replace his dark glasses and Secret Service vest to protect me from honklander assassination attempts .
Old Bushie delivers what is surely an award-worthy performance.
Armed with nothing more than a red mobility scooter, a length of weathered fence paling and several decades of questionable decision-making, he becomes the town's unlikely hero.
His chase through the main street reaches cinematic greatness when the scooter overtakes Dracula downhill, only to be overtaken again once the road levels out. It was emblamatic of Snowy Hydro II.
The standing ovation lasted almost seven seconds.
Prentis Penjani deserves special mention.
His portrayal of a government official attempting to save a $78.95 T-bone steak at a vegan gay festival while abandoning absolutely everyone else is both convincing and, according to several audience members, disturbingly realistic.
His emotional breakdown in the butcher's shop, crying, "Not the Scotch fillet!" was one of the evening's finest dramatic moments.
The special effects were ambitious.
The full moon changed size seven times.
Dracula's cape occasionally disappeared.
At one point the microphone was clearly visible hanging above the pub.
Nobody cared.
It somehow made the experience better.
The supporting cast also excelled.
Mayor Dusty McFookit spends most of the film ordering ratsak, sampling pub meals at the Dusty Dingo Pub and organising emergency council meetings with a group of galahs. Is he an undercover agent working to shut down Ratty News or is he a Double Agent?
Mrs McFookit displays remarkable courage by hitting Dracula repeatedly with a sonic rolling pin, proving once again that Dusty Gulch women are made of sterner stuff.
The surprise appearance of Laughing Jack McKooka nearly brought the house down.
Just as Dracula prepares to seize the last remaining sausage in town, Jack swoops in from nowhere, steals it first and flies off laughing so hard he almost falls out of the sky.
The audience erupted. Several children demanded an immediate sequel. One elderly gentleman known only as the Major, accidentally saluted.
As for the frightening moments...
I have not felt so caught up in the drama so much in years.
Perhaps the film's greatest achievement is reminding us that even during a cost-of-living crisis - with steaks priced like luxury motor vehicles and vampires roaming the countryside disguised as oversized birds - Dusty Gulch still knows how to turn on a good night's entertainment.
That alone is worth the price of admission.
The only real disappointment occurred during intermission when the Drive-In kiosk announced that steak sandwiches had been removed from the menu due to "budgetary considerations."
The replacement tofu wrap remained untouched all evening.
Even Dracula wouldn't eat it.
Verdict
A gloriously memorable masterpiece.
Historically inaccurate.
Scientifically impossible.
Economically confronting.
Entirely Australian.
Should you see it?
Absolutely.
Just don't park too close to the barbecue area.
And if a ten-foot emu wearing a cape asks whether your steak is cooked medium-rare...
...it's already too late.
Editor's Note
As patrons were leaving the Dusty Gulch Drive-In, the manager announced that next week's feature would be The Odyssey.
There was a long silence.
Someone asked, "Is that the one everyone's arguing about?"
"Apparently."
Old Bushie scratched his beard.
"So... does it have a vampire emu?"
"No."
"Mobility scooters?"
"No."
"Stolen sausages?"
"No."
"Steaks?"
"No."
"Any jokes?"
"They're not saying."
Old Bushie climbed back onto his scooter.
"Righto then. Wake me when Dracula the Emu II: The Peckoning comes out."
As the crowd drifted towards the exit, I overheard one elderly lady sum up the evening perfectly.
"I came expecting the worst B-grade horror movie ever made..."
"...and instead I got the most exciting film I've seen all year."
The manager later confirmed that Dracula the Emu received a standing ovation, sold out every session, and completely exhausted the Drive-In's supply of tomato sauce.
Advance bookings for The Odyssey were, at the time of going to print, approximately equal to the number of steaks Old Bushie could afford.
Which is to say...
None.
My Final Rating for the Dracula film?
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆
Four Cheese Wheels out of Five.
"One wheel deducted because Dracula never did explain how an emu managed to become a vampire in the first place. The producers have assured me this mystery will be fully explored in the sequel, Dracula the Emu II: The Peckoning. I, for one, cannot wait."
