From Dulcie, CWA Dusty Gulch. Filling in for Roderick (Whiskers) McNibble
Australia's Outback has a new menace, and it's not venomous snakes or drop bears - it's a rogue kangaroo infected with the so-called "Woke Virus". Dubbed the Rooganic Plague, this overly conscientious marsupial has been hopping through bush towns, canceling hunting parties, demanding vegan alternatives to vegan alternatives, and holding impromptu sit-ins near waterholes. It has even spread to Washington DC where supporters are now protesting to " Free the Algae. "
Locals were calling it "Skippy meets social justice on steroids," but it has suddenly turned dangerous. Our local hero Trevor, the Wallaby, has come out in condemnation. " He has single handedly put marsupial rights back generations. "
Yes, ladies, a giant Kangaroo has been terrorising the residents of an isolated outback Australian Community and locals fear it is the first of a new super breed of Rogue Roos infected by a mutant strain of what is now being referred to as Rooganic Plague.
A devastating plague that could destroy Australia.... when our wildlife go woke, things are not going to end well.
The town, situated on the edge of Sturts Stony Desert in the arid South West of Queensland, had its first night of horror in December last year. Not Dusty Gulch you understand. I only heard about this because I got a phonecall from Beryl and she told me what happened because she heard it from her lawnmowing chap who had it on good authority from Cynthia. ( You know Cynthia.. the one with the, well we don't talk about that because, as you know, I am not one to gossip. ) But..
The Local Police Officer ( well we all know HIM ... as for what he does in his off duty hours is not up to me but... ) apparently he said that he received a phone call at the station at 2 am .
So here is my report. Filed for Ratty News.
"At first I thought it was one of the lads who'd had a few too many beers" he stated. "But then I realised this guy was for real - he was genuinely scared."
The officer sped the 50 kilometres from his station along the track that led to the isolated barren homestead. What he saw will stay etched in his mind forever.
The man had deep scratches down his face and chest - he was bleeding profusely.
His wife ( who I know personally and she bakes a very good scone though her strawberry jam is a bit tart for my taste - how she won in the last show is beyond me but I am not one to gossip) had managed to clean the wounds up and she had fired him full of antibiotics from the Flying Doctor Chest that each property has for emergencies.
The farmer's wife ( who I know well ) was shaken. The Kangaroo had ripped the screen door off its hinges before demanding the family acknowledge the traditional custodians of the vegetable garden.
The copper heard that the couple had been awoken around midnight by the sound of the dogs howling and barking. "I thought it was a dingo or a feral pig" said the farmer.
And I know for a fact that Bill is a deep sleeper because Joan who used to live on the farm 2 kilometres away could here him snoring and he woke her like a call to prayer in Lakemba.
Bill said "Those buggers often come in looking for a feed when we got a drought like this. They try for the pups or the young lambs."
He grabbed his shotgun and went out to "sort the swine out."
Instead, he saw a Kangaroo, standing taller than a man and in position for a fight. It had ripped out the chest of one of the dogs and was starting on another. The farmers wife, Joan, said that she stood in horror as she saw her husband race forward to get in range to shoot the rampaging roo.
"He raised the gun and fired - hitting it in the chest .Instead of going down, it turned on him and bounded forward ."
Bill crawled to safety under the truck that was parked nearby.
"I'd been meaning to fix that crate for months - thank goodness I didn't. If I hadn’t been able to crawl under the chassis, I reckon I'd be dead today."
The Roo bounced off in retreat, though from the trail of blood it was clearly wounded.
Locals mounted a search the following day and combed the mulga scrub for 50 km before losing the trail of blood.
"I've dealt with cattle rustlers, feral pigs and three separate incidents involving a drunk emu. Nothing prepared me for this."
"The Roo issued me with a written warning before attacking. That's when I knew we were dealing with a professional."
"Every time we got close it accused us of creating an unsafe environment and bounded off."
Two weeks later, a property more than 20 km north of the first assault scene, the Roo reared its ugly head again.
The Police Officer confirmed that this had now become a regular occurrence, and he had urged residents to lock up and not venture outside under any circumstances.
"We can't take this out of the local area" he explained. " The animal liberationists would be down on us like a ton of bricks if they heard we were hunting down a Roo like this."
A vigilante group of locals has been formed, and the area is patrolled every night by heavily armed 4 wheel drive vehicles.
Coral ( name changed to protect her identity) said she blamed it on Rooganic Plague.
Symptoms of the "plague" might include:
- Kangaroos refusing to box, opting for "consensual hopping sparring" instead.
- Protest hopping in circles demanding more gum leaves for koalas.
- Graffitiing phrases like "Kangaroo Rights Matter" on Ayers Rock (in eco-friendly paint, of course).
- Interrupting BBQs to replace snags with plant-based alternatives.
- Becoming ultra aggressive ( in the advanced stages ) and exhibiting anti social behaviour, particularly when confronted with farmers, diesel and petrol vehicles and anyone who thinks women don't have beards.
" He sees us as the enemy." said the local cop.
“ This Roo is infected with the advanced stages of the virus “ she suggested. “ I reckon it made it go batshit crazy – kind of like rabies. I even heard its eyes have gone all squinty and it keeps raving on about some snackbar in Hawaii. ”
Some eyewitness accounts have reported it wearing a tea towel on its head and sporting a beard but these reports are as yet unconfirmed.
Local farmers are already showing signs of mild spike protein infection as they struggle to figure out where central south western Queensland is.
Coral also observed strange habits with locals.
She continued “ That’s why people have started buying dunny paper again like there’s no tomorrow – we’ll run out of bandages and the only answer is to use loo paper for the wounds. “
The Flying Doctor Service has seen a rise in the number of people requesting a vaccine and kegs of the latest vaccine have been dispatched via air from an unknown private contractor to stock supplies at the local Pub. All that is known is that they have orange bi planes and travel at high speed.
The local Publican said that a vaccine was available and he had it on tap. Locals have been flocking in to receive treatment.
It is available in draught, light and bitter. Half price during Happy hour between 5 pm and 6 pm. Unfortunately, there's no subsidy in place and in fact the Australian government is taxing it. Horrified locals are furious.
" The bloody government spends $25 million on buying a piece of material that has picture of a fried egg and they tax us to pay for it. It's not good enough."said local resident Gazza. (Not his real name)
Meanwhile, as the whole town and surrounding area have been living in a state of fear and siege, there was some good news.
The local cop said the Roo was last seen heading to Canberra and locals were fundraising to ensure that it arrived safely.
The farmer, the first victim of the rampaging roo, said that may be that the killer kangaroo could "sort the swines in Canberra out. Let's face it. They started this virus in the first bloody place. "
The local publican said that free vaccines would be available at the pub when they learn that the Roo had arrived in Canberra and the government couldn't find a Holden to hide under.
Chief Liar from the Deep Fryer Prentis Penjani declined to comment and suggested that this was misinformation and the local publican and police officer are being "looked at" under misinformation and hate law legislation and could be facing prison sentences of up to 4000 years and further sentences are pending under the newly passed Not agreeing with your Government Act of 2025.
Unconfirmed reports suggest the Roo has already secured three advisory positions, a departmental consultancy and funding for a national awareness campaign
Leader of the current State Government, Davey ( Crispy) Canetoad, said " I lost my backbone and until I find it, I have no further comment. " Latest reports suggest that his backbone is out in the bush somewhere around Dusty Gulch and is currently closed off by the University of Queensland as an archeological dig site. Locals, however, believe it lies in clear sight and could be found if only he actually looked for it.
Our reporters will stay following this story as it unfolds. You can be assured that Roderick ( Whiskers ) McNibble, will be all over this like a rat up a drain pipe.
Dulcie.
CWA
Make sure you join us for our knittathon on Tuesday - where we are making mittens for cats with cold paws.
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