Dusty Gulch Emporium
March Catalogue – Special Release
The SRT-10 Widowmaker Ride-On Mower
For those who believe ordinary lawn care is an act of cowardice.
The engineers at Dusty Gulch Emporium are proud to unveil the most unnecessary and therefore most desirable ride-on mower ever unleashed upon respectable grass.
Introducing the SRT-10 Widowmaker Tactical Lawn Dominator™.
Designed for the rugged conditions of Dusty Gulch and surrounding territories, this magnificent orange beast combines modern lawn care technology with the sort of agricultural overconfidence normally reserved for rocket launches and election promises.
Standard Features
Hyper-Torque Quad Blade System
Cuts grass, weeds, fence posts, and occasionally small geological formations.
Dual Plasma Turbo Auger (Front Mounted)
Perfect for drilling irrigation holes, removing stubborn tree stumps, or intimidating the neighbour’s goats.
Tactical Beverage Rack
Holds up to 12 stubbies or cans of essential mowing refreshments.
Deluxe Outback Command Seat
Hand-stitched vinyl capable of surviving heatwaves, dust storms, and three consecutive barbecues.
NEW FOR THIS MODEL
Sonic Rolling Pin Attachment™
Developed in cooperation with Mrs McFookit’s Domestic Enforcement Laboratory, this revolutionary device emits a concentrated sonic pulse calibrated to the exact frequency required to:
• Silence unruly town meetings
• Correct badly parked utes
• Persuade politicians to reconsider their life choices
• Flatten scones at a distance of up to 40 metres
Field testing reports that a single activation caused Trevor Titanium-Knees the Wallaby to apologise for something he hadn’t even done yet.
It also works well with the sonic pineapple deployment system... patent pending.
Optional Upgrades
• Emu Deterrent Mode
• Lamington Crumb Dispenser
• Prentis Penjani Automatic Ejection Seat
• Rat-Pilot Compatible Controls
Introductory Price
Only 3,499 Dusty Gulch Credits
(or two working generators and a slab of decent beer)
Availability
Exclusively from the
Dusty Gulch Emporium Online Shop
"If it’s slightly dangerous, moderately unnecessary, and completely irresistible - we probably sell it."
Practical Solutions for Impractical Situations
The Sonic Rolling Pin™ Deluxe
When diplomacy fails… flatten the argument.
Invented by the formidable Mrs McFookit, this household device delivers a carefully tuned sonic pulse capable of restoring order to:
• Town council meetings
• Queue jumpers at the diesel pump
• Overly confident politicians
• Dough that refuses to behave
New Feature:
Selectable modes - Scone, Lamington, and Full Parliament.
Price: 129 Dusty Gulch Credits
The Emu Negotiator 3000
Because running is no longer an option.
A handheld device designed to deter aggressive emus during mating season, harvest season, tourist season, and most Tuesdays.
Features include:
• Laser Pointer of Confusion
• Recorded Voice of Trevor Titanium-Knees saying “Oi!”
• Emergency biscuit dispenser
Field tested successfully on seven emus and one slightly confused councillor.
Price: 89 Credits
The HoverSlab Beer Delivery Drone
Flooded roads? No worries.
Inspired by recent events across the Outback, this rugged hover platform delivers cold beer directly across floodwaters to stranded citizens.
Standard equipment includes:
• Stabilised slab rack (24 stubbies or cans)
• Mud-resistant propellers
• Rat-pilot compatible control wheel
Optional upgrade: Auto-return to nearest pub.
Price: 499 Credits
Also available: This has been a huge seller. Stocks are limited. It comes with a starlink mini adaptor pack so you can always stay in touch on the go.
The Anti-Blowfly BBQ Defence System
Because the flies arrive before the sausages are cooked.
A rotating barbecue dome fitted with:
• High-speed fly bafflers
• Aromatic decoy sausages
• Tactical sauce shield
Independent tests confirm it reduces blowfly landings by up to 73%, though it may attract curious kangaroos.
Price: 159 Credits
The Outback Weather Predictor Mk II
More reliable than most official forecasts.
This advanced meteorological device uses traditional bush science to determine weather conditions.
Indicators include:
• Ant behaviour index
• Wallaby tail angle sensor
• Beer temperature differential gauge
Accuracy rate: Approximately the same as modern satellites.
Price: 59 Credits
Special Notice
Customers purchasing the SRT-10 Widowmaker Ride-On Mower receive 10% off any one item above, excluding the Sonic Rolling Pin™ during town council sessions. Use Coupon Code MCFOOKIT at checkout
Disclaimer
Dusty Gulch Emporium accepts no responsibility for:
• Emu retaliation
• Unexpected hovercraft landings
• Sonic pastry incidents
• Political consequences resulting from proper rolling pin usage
