Irish Jokes

Murphy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in, and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Murphy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange, and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad; roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Murphy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Murphy had two arseholes."

"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Murphy with them two arseholes....'"

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a priest baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the priest. The priest turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am." 

So, the priest grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

The priest, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the priest is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The priest again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"  

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath and says to the priest, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?....."

Murphy’s old lady had been pregnant for some time, and the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
‘Hey, Murph! You just had you a son!

‘Ain’t dat grand, !!’
Murphy got excited by this, but just then, the doctor spoke up and said,
‘Hold on! We ain’t finished yet, !’

The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, ‘Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter!!!! She is a pretty Lil ting, too….’
Murphy got puzzled by this, and then the doctor said,
‘Hold on, we aint got done yet, !’
The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
‘Murph, you just had yourself another boy!’

Murphy said to the doctor,
‘Doc, what caused all of dem babies?’
The doctor said,
‘You never know Murph; it was probably something that happened during conception.’
Murphy said,
‘Ah yeah, during conception.’

When Murph. and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,

‘Mama, you remember that night that we ran out of lube, and we had to use that dere 3-in-1 Oil.’
She said, ‘Yeah, I remember that night…’

Murph said,
‘I’ll tell you, …..it’s a freaking’ good thing we didn’t use WD-40.

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
“Tell me about your staff,” he asked Paddy.

“Well,” said Paddy, “there’s the farmhand, I pay him €240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there’s the housekeeper. She gets €190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There’s also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about €25 a week along with a bottle of whiskey and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife.”

“That’s disgraceful,” said the inspector, “I need to interview the half-wit.”
“That’ll be me then,” said Paddy

A farmer named Paddy had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Paddy. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer.

Paddy responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Answer the question, …please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

Paddy said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor, and I was driving down the road….”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie”.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch, and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.

He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, “How are you feeling?”

“Now tell me, Judge, how would you answer???”