Short Jokes

Kim Yong Un, Joe Biden and Murphy walked into a bar.
They all ordered a whisky.
When they go to drink them, they notice a fly in each of their beers.
Outraged, the North Korean politician declares war and threatens to destroy the bar for allowing this to happen.
Joe Biden declares that stricter sanctions and regulations will be imposed on the restaurant and bar industry immediately.
Murphy grabs the fly by the wings and screams, “Spit it out, you fookin bastard!!!”

The devil pays a visit to a politician and makes an offer.
“I can make some arrangements for you,” the devil says. “I’ll get you billions of dollars, unrestricted political power, and anything else you can imagine. All I ask in return is that millions of people around the world die of disease and poverty.”
The politician thinks for a moment and says, “What’s the catch?”

 What’s the difference between Politicians and Thieves?
A thief steals your money and then runs while a politician runs and then steals your money.

Biden said he wanted to get into politics.
I said " Are you mad? Are you fookin insane? Are you a moron? Have you lost your mind? "

Murphy just got a role in a play. He's playing the role of a guy who's been married for 50 years but he's a bit disappointed because he was hoping for a speaking part.

After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo. When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.

The 3 fella's, Englishman, Scotsman, Irishman were on a beach and come upon a beautiful mermaid sitting on a rock. The Englishman walks up and says, Blimey. Miss, have you ever been kissed? She says, no and he kisses her. She says that's lovely. The Scot says, hey lassie have ye ere have your breasts fondled? She says no! He feels her up & she says, that's lovely. It's Paddy's turn. He says to her, hey lady, have ye ever been screwed? She says, no! He says, well yer screwed now. The tides gone out.

My late Pappy used to always say that in the old days people could leave their back doors open. That's probably why his submarine sank.

I'll never forget the last words my father said to me when I was a young lad.
" Stop shaking the ladder you little fook. "

Murphy is pulled over at 1 in the morning...the cop asks him, 'Where are you racing to at this time of the morning?' Murphy says he is going to a lecture on the dangers of drinking and staying out late...and who is giving this lecture at this time says the cop...."Well sir, that would be my wife."

With all the Mexicans coming over the border into America, I hear they are translating Harper Lee's Classic into Mexican.
It's called Tequila Mockingbird.

I'll never forget the night Murphy came running home yelling " It's a Boy! It's a Boy! "
We never went back to Thailand.

Murphy thought he'd finally meant the one. The woman of his dreams.
He wanted to make sure so he did a bit od detective work and went through her wardrobe and drawers.
After finding a nurse's outfit, a police woman's outfit and a french maid's outfit he decided she wasn't for him.
If she can't hold down a fookin job she's not for him.

8I was walking past a pet shop and a sign in the window said; ‘Pedigree Netherlands cats for sale.’
I didn’t believe they were from the Netherlands so I went into the shop and said to the assistant...
”How Dutch is that moggie in the window?”

A very proud day for me today. I have just found out that I have been accepted for the London Medical School....
Only trouble is that they don't want me while I am alive.

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork’s hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, “Let’s be avin’ da fingers and I’ll see what oi can do.”
Paddy said, “Oi haven’t got da fingers.”
“Whadda ya mean you haven’t got da fingers? Lord T’underin’ Jesus, it’s 2023! We’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn’t ya bring da fingers?”
And Paddy said, “How da **** was I ‘spose to pick dem up?”

 It's important to get out of the house every now and again to remind yourself why you don't go out.

Thieves burgled our house yesterday and stole our bed, duvet and pillows!!

Honestly some people will take offence at anything.
I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was" How are you getting on?:)

 Just had my first UFO experience!
Told the Missus, her cooking was terrible!
Flying saucers everywhere.

I was walking down my local high street today and saw written on one of the windows:
`Chicken dinner $2.00,'
I felt a bit hungry so I went inside and ordered the chicken dinner and they gave me a bag of bird seed. ???

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”
The dentist thought to himself, "Well, well, at last a golfer with real balls!!"
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.” 

 A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…”
The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.”
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too”.
The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water
“Coming up,” says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”
The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”

If anyone is interested. I am selling bite guards for aggressive Pelicans.
It's not going to make me rich but it covers the Bills…

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young Irish father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied.

"My wife has made all the appetizers herself and we have a caterer coming in to provide plenty of sandwiches and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded.

"I mean, are you properly prepared spiritually?"

“Oh, to be sure Father," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.

 Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.

The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.

They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

 The doctor said, " Come in, take a seat, it's been a while since I last saw you." I said, " Yeah, i've been ill. " ?

I got arrested today for walking out of an art museum with a painting. I’m just so confused because earlier when I asked the security if I could take a picture they said “yes”.
I think I was framed.

I just saw a wind turbine that wasn’t working.
Must be a no-wind situation.
Mind you I am no fan of wind farms.

The hospital program " Casualty " are up to season 34.
To keep it real some of the patients in season one are just being treated

I've just finished converting my van to electric. I swapped the diesel engine for the motor from a tumble dryer,
It wouldn't start at first, then I realized I hadn't shut the door properly.
It worked a treat then so I took it for a spin.
There's still a few problems to iron out .

As a kid, we were very poor and my clothes came from an army surplus store. I was the only Japanese General in my class.

Never make hasty decisions based on what you think you read or think you saw.
Keep reading my posts for more life hacks.