By Roderick (Whiskers) McNibble, Ratty News Bureau Chief
There’s panic, pandemonium, and political puffery in the air this week as Dusty Gulch finds itself on the front line of yet another national scandal. Prime Minister Mr Magoo has been caught spouting more fibs than a yabby in a mudhole trying to argue when a yabby pump is on the agenda.
Enter Maurice EDuck, Prentis Penjani, and Lord Squawk Squawk, who have “generously” volunteered their latest contraption to tidy things up: the RotoVac 9000, a six-tonne robotic vacuum cleaner allegedly capable of sucking up every trace of Magoo’s misdeeds - and a few unsuspecting locals if they’re not tied down.
Now, dear readers, I am no stranger to the wayward ways of robotic vacuum cleaners. I purchased one for me and one for Redhead but she shied away from it when she heard it required a floor free of cat hair. Fortunately, in my wombat burrow, I am a cat hair free zone. Only because no self respecting cat would live in an abandoned wombat burrow with a friendly rat wearing a fedora hat.
But back to our story for the day: the moment the mechanical menace wheeled into town, Dusty Gulch went into action.
Under the firm but slightly flustered leadership of Mayor Dusty McFookit, barricades were thrown together out of hay bales, saucepans, and abandoned election corflutes.
Now I know that robotic vacuum cleaners will go into places that we do not want them to go so I quickly contacted Dusty McFookit and alerted him to the dangers. " We must set up barriers and guide the dastardly cleaner into Dusty Gulch!" I yelled.
“This here’s not our first rodeo,” declared Mayor McFookit, shouting over the whirring chaos. “We’ve faced plagues, floods, and one memorable lamington explosion - and by crikey, we’ll face this sucker down too! If that vacuum wants lies, we’ll feed it Parliament’s Question Time and see if it can stomach that!”
Seems pressure is getting to the disgraceful fool Chris Bowen who has been called out on his dumb lies so many times that he even forgets what lies he already told!
— Come_on_man 🇦🇺 (@TruthdriverOn) October 9, 2025
Labor have failed in the energy portfolio & Bowen is the most obvious culprit!
He is a putrid LIAR!!!#auspol pic.twitter.com/PSm7bqEPh6
Meanwhile, the Dusty Gulch CWA held an emergency morning tea to discuss tactical options. Armed with teapots, lamington cannons, sponge cakes, and an unshakable sense of duty, they have taken up defensive positions near the Dusty Dingo Pub.
“We’ve weathered worse than this,” said Mrs. Myrtle Knickerbocker, CWA Chairwoman and three-time scone champion. “During the Great Pavlova Collapse of ’82, we didn’t panic - we baked reinforcements. If that RotoVac thinks it’s cleaning up our town, it’ll have to get past us first.”
The CWA have reportedly soaked several lamingtons in golden syrup, creating sticky traps along the main street. Meanwhile, the Five Feline Deputies have fled to higher ground - except for Sergeant Tiddles, who remains heroically clinging to the weather vane, swatting at the RotoVac’s sensor with a pawful of righteous fury.
“We cats have long opposed these infernal machines,” Tiddles hissed. “They’re noisy, they’re heartless, and they don’t respect personal space. This is tyranny by suction!”
Lord Squawk Squawk, reached for comment from his luxury perch, defended the project.
“The RotoVac is simply doing what the government can’t ... cleaning up efficiently.”
Back in town, the tension mounted as the RotoVac rolled closer to the edge of the Gulch, humming ominously. The townsfolk gathered behind the barricades, breath held and lamingtons at the ready.
With one final push from Dusty McFookit and a well-timed teapot salvo from the CWA, the RotoVac wobbled, whirred, and ... with a sound not unlike a deflating politician ... tumbled over the edge into Dusty Gulch.
As silence fell, McFookit dusted off his hat.
“And that,” he said, “is how you clean up a mess the old-fashioned way - with community spirit, baked goods, and a firm shove in the right direction.”
As the RotoVac 9000 tumbled into the Gulch with a final, self-important wheeze, townsfolk gasped - Dusty McFookit had gone over the edge with it!
For a heartbeat, all was silent. The CWA froze mid-swing, teapots trembling. Sergeant Tiddles let out a despairing “Mrrrow!” from the weather vane. Even the wind seemed to hold its breath.
Then ... whoooosh! ... a roar echoed overhead. A Ratty Airways bi-plane, piloted by none other than me, Roderick (Whiskers) McNibble myself, swooped low through the dust. With the grace of a lamington on a Sunday platter, I dropped a rope (possibly an old Hills Hoist line) and snagged McFookit midair by his braces!
As we soared back toward town, McFookit dangled below, waving his hat and shouting, “Next time, I’m usin’ a broom!”
Postscript from Roderick (Whiskers) McNibble
As I pen this report from the relative safety of the lamington shed, I can confirm that the RotoVac 9000 remains wedged firmly at the bottom of Dusty Gulch. Locals report a faint humming sound and the occasional muffled apology - possibly the machine attempting to reboot its integrity subroutine.
Rumours are already swirling that the RotoVac has filed papers to form its own political party: the Clean Sweep Alliance. Its platform is said to include “Full Transparency (After Filtration)” and “Accountability in Bagless Form.” Lord Squawk Squawk has been seen circling the area, allegedly drafting a coalition agreement.
Maurice EDuck insists that “the RotoVac fell honourably in the line of spin,” while Prentis Penjani maintains that the entire event was “within normal suction parametres.”
Back in town, Mayor McFookit has declared a public holiday to commemorate the victory - Truth Restoration Day - marked by a community barbecue and a ceremonial emptying of dustpans. The CWA will be serving pavlova under strict anti-suction protocols.
As for the Five Feline Deputies, they’ve demanded danger pay, extra sardines, and a permanent ban on all electrical appliances that move faster than a tortoise.
An innovative method to boost a tortoise's speed, proving that even the slowest creatures can go much faster with a little help. This clever interaction shows a person teaching a tortoise that it can accelerate significantly by utilizing a makeshift vehicle pic.twitter.com/wV31nzirL2
— SilentOrbit (@silentblossom_) October 9, 2025
Standing on the ridge tonight, I can see the stars over Dusty Gulch - calm, bright, and blissfully quiet now that the RotoVac’s gone. For a brief, shining moment, the town has been cleaned not of truth, but of the nonsense that pretends to be the truth.
But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in this business, it’s that spin always finds a way to blow back in with the morning breeze. And when it does, Dusty Gulch will be ready - teapots loaded, lamingtons armed, and cats on high alert.
Until next time,
Roderick (Whiskers) McNibble
Ratty News – Reporting truth from the crumbs up.
