Patriot Realm

High above the rolling hills, with the sunset painting the sky in strokes of gold and lavender, a wing-weary Tooth Fairy reclines atop the bright orange biplane of Ratty Airways, her tattered but shimmering wings folded neatly behind her.

With a sigh of relief, she stretches out on the canvas wing, letting the gentle breeze soothe her tired limbs. Below, the dashing rat pilot, dressed in a leather helmet and scarf, grips the controls with practiced paws, his whiskers twitching with determination. Tonight’s mission is clear: get the exhausted fairy back to base before dawn, where a mug of stardust tea and a well-earned rest await.

But for now, she closes her eyes and lets the cool night air carry away the fatigue of a thousand pillow infiltrations.

We are fortunate to bring you the first instalment of a series of interviews done by Ratty News with none other than Big Gum, head honcho at Tooth Fairy Headquarters.  

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH BIG GUM: THE HEAD TOOTH FAIRY REVEALS THE SECRETS OF GLOBAL TOOTH DELIVERY
By Ratty News Special Correspondent: Roderick "Whiskers" McNibble

[Roderick McNibble]: Good evening, viewers and readers of Ratty News! I’m here with none other than the legendary Big Gum, the head honcho of the Tooth Fairy Corps. She’s agreed to give us an exclusive look into the high-stakes, high-flying world of global tooth collection. Big Gum, thank you for taking time out of what I imagine is a very busy schedule.

[Big Gum]: (flashes a pearly grin) Oh, you’ve no idea, Roderick. The world’s kids lose approximately 2 million teeth per night, and someone has to keep up. No rest for the wicked - or the dental distributors.

[Roderick]: Two million? That’s a lot of air miles! Let’s start with the big question on everyone’s lips: How do you and your team manage to collect all those teeth in just one night?

[Big Gum]: Ah, well, that’s the magic of the TFCS, Tooth Fairy Coordination System. We’ve got a sophisticated network of regional fairies, all linked via enchanted molar monitors. You see, when a child’s tooth falls out, it sends out a faint calcium signal - sort of like a homing beacon. Our navigation fairies pick it up instantly.

[Roderick]: Fascinating! But surely it’s not as simple as swooping in and grabbing the tooth. What about night navigation training? Do your fairies undergo advanced courses?

[Big Gum]: Oh yes. Night navigation is one of the core competencies in the Fairy Flight Academy (FFA). We have a rigorous programme, including:

• Stealth landings: Precision hovering without waking light sleepers.
• Obstacle evasion: Flying through ceiling fan gauntlets and dodging rogue dreamcatchers.
• Bedroom reconnaissance: Identifying sock-pile trip hazards and avoiding squeaky floorboards.
• Pet diplomacy: Critical training in dealing with territorial cats and overzealous chihuahuas.

In more advanced courses, fairies learn fog penetration manoeuvres and how to use star currents for speed boosts. It’s not all glitter and grace, Roderick. It’s a tough gig.

[Roderick]: Incredible. But what about the dangers? I imagine flying over certain areas can be risky. Do you ever have to deliver teeth in war zones or hazardous areas?

[Big Gum]: Oh, absolutely. Fairy neutrality is sacred. We fly through conflict zones, hurricanes, and even supernatural anomalies. In war-torn regions, we deploy our Stealth Tooth Extraction Units (STEUs)....specially trained fairies skilled in silent infiltration and extraction. No tooth left behind.

We’ve also developed the Enchanted Deflection Cloak, which makes us invisible to radar and immune to drone strikes. It’s very hush-hush, but let’s just say that some government surveillance balloons have spotted more than they were meant to.

[Roderick]: (whispers conspiratorially) Is it true that you’ve clashed with rival fairy factions or black-market operators?

[Big Gum]: (nodding solemnly) Sadly, yes. We’ve had run-ins with the Molar Marauders..rogue pixies who sell pilfered teeth to shady dental labs. And let’s not forget the Gnome Cartel, notorious for planting fake teeth to lure us into ambushes. Last year, one of our scouts barely escaped with her wings intact. Tooth smuggling is a real problem, and we’re cracking down on it hard.

[Roderick]: That sounds downright dangerous! But let’s shift gears. How do you handle the logistics of global delivery? Surely it’s not all wing-power?

[Big Gum]: Oh no, we’ve embraced modern efficiency. We have a fleet of whisker-powered aircraft, leased from Ratty Airways, I might add - very reliable, I must say. We also use portal pouches...magical satchels linked to the Transdimensional Molar Network (TMN). With a flick of a wand, I can deliver teeth from Australia to Antarctica in a blink.

[Roderick]: Impressive! Now, I have to ask - what happens to all the teeth? Do you have some kind of giant calcium vault?

[Big Gum]: (chuckling) Oh no, we’re much more practical than that. Baby teeth contain traces of childhood magic, you see. We reforge them into stardust to sprinkle over sleeping children for pleasant dreams. The stronger the imagination of the child, the brighter the stardust. Some particularly luminous teeth power our Northern Lights Generator- that’s right, the aurora borealis? Fairy handiwork. They are also used in the Southern Lights. 

[Roderick]: You’re blowing my mind, Big Gum! One last question: Any plans for expansion or new ventures?

[Big Gum]: (leans in confidentially) Well, between you and me, we’re testing a prototype delivery system called ToothDrop. It uses miniature, enchanted drones to assist in remote deliveries. Also, we’re piloting a frequent flosser program - kids who brush and floss regularly will get bonus dream credits.

We’re also looking into fairy ride-sharing services, where wing-weary fairies can catch a lift with Ratty Airways or even a passing phoenix. Efficiency is everything these days.

[Roderick]: Incredible stuff, Big Gum. You’ve given us an astonishing glimpse into the world of the Tooth Fairy Corps. Readers, next time you tuck a tooth under your pillow, remember the immense logistical effort, night-flight prowess, and even a touch of daring espionage that goes into that single coin left behind.

This is Roderick "Whiskers" McNibble, signing off for Ratty News, where we cover everything from incisors to incisive journalism. Keep your whiskers twitching, and remember: a good night’s sleep could come with a sprinkle of fairy magic.

⭐ EXCLUSIVE: Up next—Ratty Airways announces a new route to the Fairy Realm! Book your tickets now, and you might just catch a glimpse of Big Gum in action!

Next week, we will have another interview where Big Gum tells us where tooth fairies live, and how a partnership is being discussed with Elon Musk for tooth pickups from Mars!!

 Footnote from Shaydee: 

It was many years ago when I first met my personally assigned tooth fairy. Perhaps over 65 years ago. I was about to lose my first tooth and my Mum, Redhead, assured me that she was personal friends with a fairy who collected teeth and she would pay me handsomely for my wobbly white that resided in my mouth. 

I had often marveled that my two older brothers seemed to have their teeth in a beer stein on our mantelpiece and why it was that some flying fairy was happy to pay for my tooth when she had clearly rejected my older brothers offerings. 

When I asked Redhead this most perplexing question, she nodded and replied that it was because she had a " deal " with the tooth fairy. As long as she paid for the tooth, it mattered not whether she received it immediately: she would put it in the bank and collect it later.  

Therefore, I first learned about the idea of a bank. At a very young age, I learned that something could be popped into a beer stein and sit on a mantle piece and one day, it would be claimed and taken because it had been paid for. 

As the years went by, I helped grow the tooth fairy's bank account of teeth. My brothers teeth had stopped falling out and it was now up to me to help build her fortune. 

By the time I was old enough to grow my adult teeth, the tooth fairy no longer came. I missed the excitement when she would miraculously prise my pillow from my head, retrieve said tooth and fly off to my mother to have her pop it in the Beer Stein Bank. I was always glad to find the coin under my pillow - a sure sign that my tooth was something of value to her and to her kind. 

Many years passed and I became a mother. 

I spoke with Redhead and wondered how I would cope with the tooth fairy. 

She replied " With the truth of course. Tell your girls that I have retired and that you are now the person who is in charge of what the tooth fairy does. It is up to you how you deal with that. " 

Strangely enough, the beer stein full of teeth disappeared when Mum and Dad moved to Australia. It was never seen again. 

When they flew across the ditch ( and I kid you not ) it was not there. We have never seen the beer stein or the teeth since they came to Australia in 1985. 

I recently sent a message to the tooth fairy and asked her for an interview. This article is as a result of that request. More pearls of wisdom coming in our next update from Ratty News ... stay tuned.... 

Shaydee