Newsflash! :
In an unprecedented turn of events, the United States has officially completed the purchase of Greenland, renaming it “Orangeland” in honour of, as President Donald Trump explained, “its bold potential and my favourite colour.”
The announcement came after a top-secret, high-stakes negotiation involving billions of dollars, a lifetime supply of spray tan for Danish officials, and a signed agreement to name every other iceberg after Elon Musk.
“They couldn’t resist the deal - it was tremendous, the best deal in history,” Trump declared during a press conference held aboard Air Force One, which had been repainted bright orange for the occasion.
The rebranding began immediately.
Orangeland’s new flag, a tangerine-coloured background with an ensemble of ice cubes, was unveiled to a standing ovation at the White House. American companies have wasted no time staking their claims: the newly christened Orangeberg (formerly Nuuk) is already buzzing with plans for “Ice-Mart,” the world’s largest frozen goods retailer.
Tourism is expected to skyrocket with attractions such as the “Great Orange Glacier” and a theme park called “Trump Arctic Adventure,” which will feature ice golf and polar bear wrestling. "We’re turning Orangeland into the Miami of the Arctic," boasted the new governor, an enthusiastic Floridian real estate mogul who vowed to install hot tubs on every fjord.
However, the transition hasn’t been entirely smooth. Danish officials have expressed concern over the sudden influx of American fast food chains and tanning salons. “The icebergs are melting faster than ever, and now they’re glowing orange,” a Danish scientist lamented.
Meanwhile, the residents of Orangeland, who were promised free Wi-Fi and Starlink .... and unlimited burgers, are cautiously optimistic. “It’s a bit surreal,” said Hans Larsen, a fisherman. “But if they build a McDonalds up here, I might just get used to it.”
Shortly after the purchase, Elon Musk revealed that he had been instrumental in securing the deal, claiming he’d advised Trump to “think of Greenland as Mars, but with better Wi-Fi.” Musk has already announced plans to install a network of underground Hyperloops connecting Orangeland’s icy outposts.
“This is a perfect testing ground for my Arctic Tesla fleet and solar-powered igloos,” Musk said, during his own press conference held in a futuristic snow fort shaped like a Tesla logo. “And let’s not forget Starlink. Every polar bear will have access to high-speed internet by 2026.”
In true Musk fashion, he also hinted at a more ambitious plan. “I’m working on genetically modifying penguins to help colonise Antarctica next. Orangeland is just the beginning of humanity’s expansion into colder frontiers.”
Environmentalists have raised alarms, arguing that Orangeland’s transformation could accelerate climate change. Trump dismissed these claims, stating, “We’re just making the ice more reflective - it’s science!”
Tech mogul and philanthropist Bill Gates was quick to weigh in, offering unsolicited advice on how Orangeland could tackle its icy challenges. “This is a golden opportunity for climate innovation,” Gates said while unveiling plans to launch a new line of climate-controlled parkas called Windows of Warmth.
He also pitched the idea of using Microsoft AI to monitor the glaciers in real time. “Imagine if every iceberg had a Teams account,” Gates mused. “We could ping them directly to warn of impending melts. The world needs more connected ice.” Critics noted that Gates spent more time discussing software licenses than actual climate solutions, but he insisted, “This isn’t just about glaciers. It’s about rethinking how the ice engages with the cloud.”
President Joe Biden, in his signature style, addressed the nation from a snowplow stationed in Delaware. “Folks, listen...when I was a kid, we had snow. Real snow. Not this fancy orange stuff, but the kind you’d shovel with your bare hands to build character. I love what we’re doing here with Orangeland. It’s a big deal. "
Biden seemed particularly excited about a proposed plan to plant “a trillion spruce trees” across Orangeland. “Let’s make the Arctic great again- wait, no, scratch that - let’s make it green again.” He ended the speech by mistakenly congratulating Canada for their “big win.”
World Economic Forum founder Klaus Schwab issued a cryptic yet ominous statement about the acquisition. Appearing via hologram projected onto an iceberg, Schwab called the development “a pivotal step toward the Great Reset.”
“Orangeland is an intriguing concept,” Schwab intoned in his usual measured cadence. “A controlled Arctic experiment is precisely what the world needs - a playground for the elite, if you will. You will own nothing, not even your parkas, and you will love it.” He proposed creating an exclusive Arctic summit where only those with a net worth exceeding $500 billion would be allowed to attend.
Schwab also expressed skepticism about Elon Musk’s involvement, calling his ideas “chaotic” and offering to replace Tesla’s Arctic fleet with “collectively owned, Davos-approved, carbon-neutral snowmobiles.”
While world leaders, billionaires, and tech visionaries continue to debate Orangeland’s future, the newly minted territory is already abuzz with activity. Polar bears are reportedly being fitted with GPS collars sponsored by Amazon, and residents are bracing for the rollout of what Musk has dubbed “Arctic Dogecoin.”
As Trump triumphantly summarised, “Everyone’s talking about Orangeland. Bill loves it. Joe’s proud of it. Elon’s building Hyperloops through it. And Klaus -well, he can rent it at a great price. Believe me.”
Stay tuned for updates, including whether Bill Gates’ smart parkas can double as Wi-Fi hotspots and if Biden accidentally declares war on Denmark over ice fishing rights.
Back in the U.S., Congress is debating whether to extend citizenship to polar bears or designate them as “furry freedom ambassadors.” Either way, one thing is clear: Orangeland is already proving to be the boldest experiment in American history...or at least, the most orange.
Stay tuned for updates on whether penguins will be eligible for Social Security.
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