Crowd Visible From Orbit • Starlink Activated • Scientists Concerned
THE DUSTY GULCH GAZETTE - SPECIAL THUNDERDOME EDITION
HOTBLACK PENJANI CHALLENGES TREVOR THE WALLABY
By Roderick (Whiskers) McNibble
Chief End-of-Civilisation Correspondent
Dusty Gulch has officially run out of room.
Authorities confirmed yesterday that every available seat, standing position, fence post, ute tray, water tower, roof, tree branch and moderately stable rock within 200 kilometres of the Thunderdome has now been occupied.
Officials had originally anticipated attendance of 50,000.
Current estimates place the crowd somewhere between two million and "all of Australia except Canberra."
And the date has not even been set yet.
The Bureau of Meteorology has begun tracking the gathering as a weather system.
The Bureau of Statistics has begun tracking it as a population centre.
The Defence Force has begun tracking it simply out of curiosity.
At the centre of it all stands Trevor.
Not the nervous wallaby once known for unfortunate run-ins with authority. Or accusation that his knees used up all of Dusty Gulch's titanium reserves. Or that Gina Rinehart funded his knee replacement.
Not the wallaby who spent years being underestimated.
This Trevor has become a legend.
Months of preparation have transformed him into a towering marsupial mountain of muscle, patriotism and unresolved administrative grievances.
His supporters have travelled from every corner of the continent.
Many have painted their faces.
Others have painted their utes.
One enthusiastic supporter has painted an entire sheep station.
Across the arena stands his opponent.
Hotblack Penjani.
Billionaire.
Bureaucrat.
Professional explainer of things nobody asked about.
Wearing sunglasses despite it being night and surrounded by a personal entourage of advisers, consultants, analysts and emotional support accountants, Penjani arrived yesterday in a convoy stretching nearly seven kilometres.
Witnesses report that his vehicle contained more paperwork than the average state government.
The crowd responded appropriately.
Booing commenced at 3:17 pm.
It has not stopped.
THUNDERDOME SELLS OUT ACROSS THE GALAXY
The extraordinary demand for tickets has created unprecedented problems.
Within six minutes of sales opening, every seat inside the Dome had sold out.
Within ten minutes, every campsite within fifty kilometres was booked.
Within twenty minutes, local residents were renting out wheelie bins as premium accommodation.
By lunchtime, tickets were reportedly changing hands for the price of small farms.
Please note left hand image of spectator. He is currently subletting my wombat burrow.
One ringside package sold for $100,000 and included:
• A commemorative lamington.
• Ear protection.
• Personal protection from Bush legend retired cop " Bushie " Taylor with his trusty Red Rocket
• Access to first aid. and a signed photograph of Trevor.
Demand became so extreme that thousands of disappointed fans began gathering in the desert simply to hear the crowd.
The resulting congestion was reportedly visible from orbit.
This attracted the attention of entrepreneur Elon Musk.
According to witnesses, Musk arrived shortly afterwards aboard what appeared to be a heavily modified rocket-powered ute.
After surveying the scene he reportedly stated:
"Well that's completely insane."
Before immediately approving free Starlink coverage for everyone unable to attend.
Within hours, thousands of giant screens appeared throughout the outback.
Communities across Australia established official Thunderdome Viewing Zones.
One cattle station reportedly erected a screen so large that passing pilots attempted to use it for navigation.
THE NOISE PROBLEM
Scientists are becoming concerned.
Not about the fight.
About the crowd.
Professor Barry Wombat of the Dusty Gulch Institute for Advanced Guesswork confirmed that noise levels have already exceeded every prediction.
"The cheering generated by Trevor's arrival was measured at approximately 190 decibels."
When asked what that meant, Professor Wombat replied:
"It means we may have accidentally created a new branch of physics."
Several observatories have reported detecting unusual signals moving through deep space.
Astronomers believe these may be chants from the crowd.
One transmission appears to consist entirely of:
TRE-VOR!
TRE-VOR!
TRE-VOR!
Repeated continuously for forty-three minutes.
Another consists of prolonged booing.
Researchers suspect this second signal is associated with Hotblack Penjani.
THE FIGHT ITSELF
Few now believe this contest is merely athletic.
To many supporters, Trevor represents common sense.
To others, he represents the enduring spirit of the bush.
To still others, he represents a wallaby capable of lifting a small tractor.
Hotblack Penjani represents something else entirely.
Nobody can quite agree what.
Even Hotblack Penjani appears uncertain.
As darkness fell over Dusty Gulch last night, the giant Thunderdome glowed like a rusted cathedral in the desert.
Flames erupted from towers.
Drums echoed across the plains.
The Wheel of Consequences began to turn.
And somewhere high above the arena, suspended from a commentary platform that absolutely should not have passed safety inspection, this reporter prepared to witness history.
Or the end of it.
Possibly both.
At precisely 8 pm, the arena lights dimmed.
The crowd fell silent.
The mechanical voice of the Dome echoed across the wasteland.
"TWO ENTER."
The audience held its breath.
The voice continued.
"ONE LEAVES WITH AN EXPLANATION."
The roar that followed was reportedly heard in New Zealand.
Possibly Mars.
Further updates will be provided if the Dome remains standing.
At the time of publication, bookmakers have Trevor as favourite.
The universe appears to agree.
This is Roderick ( Whiskers ) McNibble signing out from a swag outside the burrow. I have sublet the burrow to a group of tourists from Alpha Centauri who have arrived early to witness the biggest fight in universal history.
I think I already said that didn't I?
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